without even the words

without even the words
to tell myself how i feel
my hands are fists on the wall
bricks and blood and animal sounds
i can hardly breathe
i haven’t cried so much in so long
if i want to stop it inside
i have to stop it on the outside
i keep trying to shut the door but it won’t close
besides i can see you through the windows
my nails
what nails
can’t claw hard enough
can’t dig a hole fast enough to bury myself in
i love you
i hate you
i love you
i hate you
i’m sorry, i have to turn around
because i can’t stand hear your words
and only see your back
maybe we should whisper
or not speak at all
i can tear down the vines but the ivy will keep growing
until i destroy the root
i hate you
i hate you
oh, i hate you so much
i wish i didn’t love you
and maybe wish i never had