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What do I do now? 28 October, 2009

Posted by silentpyjamas in blather and claptrap.

I spent the day watching Lord of the Rings with my sister and niece. We’ve already seen The Fellowship of the Ring so we decided to watch the second one today. Then we had to watch the third because it was too actiony not to. It got our minds off things.

I still don’t know what I am supposed to think. It seems simple enough: these men deserve my anger for reneging on their agreements with the State of Nevada and trying to change things. I had reached a point of forgiveness. I had put the death penalty out of my mind. Most of all I had finally let my brother become lost in the perspective of time, growing smaller in my sight but not in my heart. I finally could accept what happened and move on because I had been pierced through the heart with the evidence of it and seen justice being done. Only now it wants to become undone and I don’t know if I can go backward that way. Am I to renege also, to take back my forgiveness? I don’t think I can feel mercy for a man sitting at the defendant’s table while I look again at grisly death photos and listen to testimony about how he and his friend died. I really don’t want to reach a point of anger like I did before, either. I’ve been through that and I don’t want to again.

A friend told me I shouldn’t go to the hearing or to any new trials if they happen. I can’t not go. I have to be there. I have to.

So this leaves me wondering if I am supposed to level up. Do I need +50 Maturity? +100 Strength? With my Cha stat help me with this at all? I hope there’s something because I feel low on mana. Real low.

I wish I knew the answers to this stuff. Without some distraction my mind has come back to this and there it will dwell unless otherwise occupied. It will only get worse as Monday approaches. My appetite has already gone and I feel restless and angry. In the back of my mind I have fear and doubt. The evidence was enough to convict them. Ciolino allocuted and thus had no trial. But now they are claiming wrongdoing on the part of the State. Could this be even a little bit true? What will this mean? And if it means one or both of them can walk free will I feel cheated and angry like many do? I certainly don’t blame them. Or has it been long enough that I can just go on and say “They spent one-third of their lives in prison and that is enough.”?



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