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This is all I really have to say right now 31 October, 2009

Posted by silentpyjamas in blather and claptrap.
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Stephenie Meyer: The Utimate Troll

C'mon tell me she isn't

I know I spelled her name wrong in the image. Don’t be mad (Unless you’re a Twilight-head then feel free. Your madness started long ago). I tried to read Twilight several times since last year. I’m struggling to make it past Chapter 2. That’s how bad it is. And I’ve read the Gor novels. I was fighting with MSPaint and by the time I realized it was wrong I was too damn tired to try to fix it. If you disagree with me check out any number of anti-Twilight websites and posts. A troll’s job is to rile people up, right? Her work here is done (but I bet she won’t stop).

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What do I do now? 28 October, 2009

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I spent the day watching Lord of the Rings with my sister and niece. We’ve already seen The Fellowship of the Ring so we decided to watch the second one today. Then we had to watch the third because it was too actiony not to. It got our minds off things.

I still don’t know what I am supposed to think. It seems simple enough: these men deserve my anger for reneging on their agreements with the State of Nevada and trying to change things. I had reached a point of forgiveness. I had put the death penalty out of my mind. Most of all I had finally let my brother become lost in the perspective of time, growing smaller in my sight but not in my heart. I finally could accept what happened and move on because I had been pierced through the heart with the evidence of it and seen justice being done. Only now it wants to become undone and I don’t know if I can go backward that way. Am I to renege also, to take back my forgiveness? I don’t think I can feel mercy for a man sitting at the defendant’s table while I look again at grisly death photos and listen to testimony about how he and his friend died. I really don’t want to reach a point of anger like I did before, either. I’ve been through that and I don’t want to again.

A friend told me I shouldn’t go to the hearing or to any new trials if they happen. I can’t not go. I have to be there. I have to.

So this leaves me wondering if I am supposed to level up. Do I need +50 Maturity? +100 Strength? With my Cha stat help me with this at all? I hope there’s something because I feel low on mana. Real low.

I wish I knew the answers to this stuff. Without some distraction my mind has come back to this and there it will dwell unless otherwise occupied. It will only get worse as Monday approaches. My appetite has already gone and I feel restless and angry. In the back of my mind I have fear and doubt. The evidence was enough to convict them. Ciolino allocuted and thus had no trial. But now they are claiming wrongdoing on the part of the State. Could this be even a little bit true? What will this mean? And if it means one or both of them can walk free will I feel cheated and angry like many do? I certainly don’t blame them. Or has it been long enough that I can just go on and say “They spent one-third of their lives in prison and that is enough.”?

Waking up to a nightmare world: Return to the Building of Tragedy 27 October, 2009

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I propose a detour. If you’d like to know what I’m talking about in this post I recommend reading these old blog posts from my old emo blog. These are a chronicle of our days in court and some newspaper articles linked which covered the story. I was going to try to hide all the other posts because it’s the lamest blog ever but I just don’t feel like it. And I shouldn’t be ashamed to say I was emo and dorky and a whole lot of other things a few years ago, including a drama queen, a diva, and a bunch of other not-that-awesome stuff. I’m still kind of a diva but I try not to be so dramatic about it these days.

“Building of tragedy” is the name given to the Clark County Courthouse in downtown Las Vegas, NV by Glenn Puit who covered the court proceedings of the two men who murdered my brother. Glenn’s gone on to writing crime fiction but the phrase still stands.

And so it will be again, at least for my family and me when we darken its doorstep once again on 2 Nov. Next Monday. It seems one Ralph E. Goodman III and Stephen F. Ciolino have decided they do not care for their life sentences without parole and would like, more than anything in the world, to have their convictions overturned. Woke up and it was grey outside and it’s, like my sister said, as if the weather knew we were going to get bad news today.

I’m not as emo about it as I used to be, which makes it a little harder somehow because the pain is targeted now. I don’t have the whine and the wibble and the flailing around like I did before, now I just have whatever it is grown-ups have when they’re dealing with this kind of shit.

I’m not looking for sympathy, pity, or any other such thing. If I’m looking for anything, it’s understanding of how this can happen. I know our system allows for just this sort of thing but Ciolino pled guilty and allocuted, now he’s claiming tampering and wants a trial. He pled, of his own free will. How in the world can evidence tampering be an issue now? How could they have waited for so long to bring these complaints up? These questions are flying around me like gnats and I can’t find any answers. I suppose I will learn the answer on 2 Nov at our sick little reunion. Us and them, all in the court at the same time.

The Nature of Twevil 22 October, 2009

Posted by silentpyjamas in blather and claptrap, pimpery, shout-outs.
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I’ve been twittering like crazy. It’s neat to just meet people and talk to them. Yesterday I had a really great conversation on the nature of evil with a twitter friend which I would like to reproduce here. By reproduce I mean go through and turn into delicious copypasta. All the @’s after the first refer to who the tweet was addressed to.

(from @Alaksir) I could never understand some people’s pursuit of painting others as evil. Perhaps it makes them feel they’re better than everyone else.

@alaksir does this include or exclude actual “evil” people?

@silentpyjamas I really don’t believe there are actual evil people, well, unless in an MMOG of course, LOL

@alaksir really? I believe in evil people. It’s an argument I had with my brother many times, for he did not believe in evil people.

@silentpyjamas Okay, probably some people are more inclined toward evil than others, but I think everyone has similar tendencies

@alaksir I think, I guess, it is intent which means evil or not. I may be biased, however. Said brother was murdered

@silentpyjamas Oh man, I’m deeply sorry

@alaksir I don’t, however, believe the criminals in this case were evil. Whether I continue to feel so remains to be seen

@silentpyjamas You have every right to feel otherwise, I think

@alaksir oh absolutely! I think that it is whether the person is intent on pleasing themselves at the expense of others, again and again…

@silentpyjamas Thanks! That is also my opinion =)

@alaksir which is the demarcation for evil. If someone simply does not care, even if they know they are wrong, they’re leaning toward evil

@silentpyjamas Yeah, then people who are constantly pursuing to paint others as evil would actually be themselves evil

@alaksir It’s always been a big question for me and I ponder it periodically. It’s good to know I am not alone in thinking about it

@silentpyjamas It is a big question for any thinking people I think

@alaksir I can agree with that. No good can come of trying to spoil the reputation of another

@silentpyjamas Anyone who can feel empathy toward people marked as evil by others has certain virtue about them. It can be quite difficult.

@alaksir I concur. I think the answer a person arrives at is likely to strongly color their ability to empathize with “evil” persons

@silentpyjamas I think you are right. It is always much easier to blame others for our own shortcomings, even if we know what they are

@alaksir It can be difficult. At the same time, there is always the element of the fear of seeing some of them in one’s self and vice versa

@alaksir I think that’s why it’s a lot easier to Other them that way. It’s very easy to turn a blind eye to shared qualities with “evil”

@alaksir We may not all BE evil, but I have yet to meet someone who hasn’t DONE evil even once, ever in their lives

@silentpyjamas Nobody, except in fables and religious tales of course

Afterward we thanked one another for a fun convo. To be honest, I never expected to have such a great conversation with a total stranger in volleys of 140 characters or less. It was a good time and a thought-provoking chat. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Also seen on twitter, a link to the art of one @FatChickInLA which can be seen here. This lady is talented and I can’t even pick which one of her works I like best. She’s got it going on, man. Check it out!

Please feel free to add me on twitter, I can’t say I tweet about anything terribly interesting (well maybe a little) but it’s always nice to have more people to talk to all the time.

If you’re a twitter pal, hi!

Final note before I sign off for the night, Sunday (Sunday Sunday) the completely awesome (<3) @Abbalinio is helping me to attempt to create a couple of trendig topics, so if you tweet please tweet #pepperoniday and #RobotOverlords (previously my sister @SimianMobile and I have been rocking the RO) so that these topics of mine can achieve fame and fortune. I just wanna be cool!

Puhups and Situps and Squats (Oh My!) 22 October, 2009

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This week I began some working out. I’m always talking about it and never getting around to it because I feel sort of like it’s pointless. Getting in shape itself isn’t pointless, but I haven’t become any less insecure.

Well maybe a little.

I have made it to day 2 and I feel pretty good. My body is aching but it’s alright. I’m doing One Hundred Pushups, Two Hundred Situps, and Two Hundred Squats. I will make it through all 6 weeks because I’ll be 35 next April and there’s no reason not to look fabulous on my birthday.

Another post momentarily. Gotta take some Advil!

So Busy 21 October, 2009

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I’ve been a little busy lately.  Have a lot of projects in the pipe and I didn’t think I would ever catch up with my backlog but I have been, slowly.

This is just a short post to let people know that I am indeed still posting.  I’m slow slow slow, but I’m getting there.  I’m trying to think of something even remotely interesting in my personal life to blog about but I just want to make Kanye jokes.  Thank heaven he’s not dead or it would be in poor taste.

Too soon?

Well now that I’ve been linked 14 October, 2009

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I suppose I must update this thing.  It’s been ages.  Let’s see, where to start.

Well first, hello twitterers!  Thanks to esszeeeeye (with whom I had a brief and intense if one-sided romance for several tweets) I might have a hit or 2.  Hello, sorry my blog is in such a state.  I generally refer to this as “my old blog” because I hardly ever write here any more.  Don’t read anything if you have any sense.  It’s all maudlin and emo.

Am I still crazy?  Yes.  In fact I just got out of the hospital after a mercifully one-night-only psych hold.  I’ve moved beyond trying to analyze this craziness and instead I just throw it all into stories and hope that something good comes out of it.

I’m avoiding looking back at some of these blog posts because they’re AWFUL.  I can’t believe I thought I was so clever or something.  On a few of them I did have some insight and I kinda like my poem “You Sail Away” (it’s on here somewhere and I’m too lazy just now to find the link.  It’s not a trrible poem though) so it’s not all bad.  But hey now that I’m here again perhaps I should keep it up.

I’m going to remove some of the stuff.  Well not remove, but make private.  I’ve kind of made up with the dad of my youth who hurt me so, so I don’t think my angry birthday diatribe needs to be really out there any more.  If you’re curious as to what it’s about, think of the kind of childhood that the weird creepy scared kid in your class probably had to make them that way.  He went there and now he’s gone the other way.  Almost 2 years ago now we actually hugged.  He initiated this hug.  For a moment I thought he was wearing a suicide vest or something.

My niece is 6 now and is a smart cookie.  You can see in the flickr feed that she rules in my photos and has grown up to be a hilariously expressive child.  She used to be so tiny, remember that, guys?  CRAZY!

Re: my tragically singleness (yes I know that’s gramatically incorrect but you could read it as tragically single ness if you understand my theory of ness) – It’s cool.  I can’t believe I was honestly so angsty.  I should have caught a beatdown long ago for being emo.

And to all the souls who were so unhappy that I gave up on Linux, I gave it another chance and it turned out to be kind of like an okay boyfriend.  Not sure yet if I want to spend the rest of my life waking up to it, but definitely intrigued and wanting to get more familiar.

So, thanks bunches, please don’t think that the CoCo then is the same CoCo now.  I was kind of a whiner.  And probably obnoxious.  But sometimes I could make a complete sentence or two.

-And yes, the “Other Places” are still there.

On Torture Porn 22 September, 2008

Posted by silentpyjamas in blather and claptrap, inflammatory!.
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i think i’ll be doing a double post today.  possibly.  we’ll just see about that.
it’s been a good while since i’ve posted and perhaps that’s for the good, since i’ve had a lot to think about and perhaps a bit of maturing to do.  much like my livejournal (you’ll never find it), i look back at my past posts on this blog and think it’s pretty emo.  or lame.  or stupid or what-have-you.

anyway, i was taking a break from working today and somehow got onto the topic of “torture porn” films.  this is sort of a radom interest of mine.  i love horror films, and i don’t even mind gory ones.  there are certain places i can’t go though.

when i was in my 20’s i watched a movie called “Blood Sucking Freaks” which was to be sure pretty epxloitative and graphically violent.  it seemed to me to be, as painful as the tortures appeared, cartoon violence.  it wasn’t really serious.  i’ve sat through many things and held my stomach contents and my drinks and my composure.  several years ago i went to one of the swanky cinemas here in town with my mom to watch the movie “Saw” which seemed like it would be great fun based on the sort of choices the victims had to make.  it’s not a bad movie, but i haven’t and probably will not see the sequels.  nor Hostel and its sequels.  nor turistas, captivity, or any of the new bumper crop of blood-drenched films out there.

it seems perhaps foolish of me to write this as i admit to not having viewed more than one film in this genre.  i have good reasons, let me elaborate.

in 2000, as any reader of my blog (this one or that horrible lj) knows, my brother and his roommate were murdered.  i sat in courtrooms for many days in the ensuing 5 years, for hearings, a trial, for sentencings.  i made victim statements, i lashed out at people, i talked to reporters.  most of all, i saw a photograph of my brother on an autopsy table.  i heard the woman who lived downstairs recount, on several occasions, the horror of hearing lives being taken in the apartment upstairs.

i threw up every day, i was stressed out all the time, i drank too much.  and when i would go to bed and close my eyes the crime, as told through photographs, testimonies, and police/criminologist/pathologist reports played through my head again and again.

when i went to watch saw, i felt uncomfortable.  i chided myself for being old-fashioned.  for loving only cheezy old slasher flicks.  for not being with it.

it took me some time to realize what it is about these films that makes me sort of want to watch them but know that if i do i will feel filthy and awful.  i’ve read the wikipedia entry for pretty much every horror movie in existence.  possibly also the imdb entry.  and movie review entries on every site i could find.  what gets me is this.  everywhere, these tortures are described in such detail that eventually they become clinical.  “decapitated” “severed” “crushed” “burned” “stabbed” “beaten” “raped” etc show up again and again, in blase tones as if this is just perfectly ducky.  it may be, i could be getting old and being wrong and in fact not be with it at all.  but what gets me from movie clips and trailers, and all of that reading, is the way the camera lingers lovingly on this pain.

that is where i must draw the line.  i cannot watch some innocent person in an impossible situation, begging and screaming for his or her life, sobbing, desperate, knowing that something is coming and maybe not specifically what but that this something includes “the end.”  i never physically heard my brother screaming for his life, but in my mind i have heard it a million times.  it’s not entertaining, believe me.  it makes for a very anxious insomniac.  i imagine the look on his face, the fear in his eyes, the primal terror that this is it.  this is the end.  there is no way to escape from this and i cannot imagine watching someone who i am supposed to empathize with, going through that.  especially to no purpose. 

it frightens me that the centerpiece of these films seems to be the brutalizing of innocence.  “darling, let me linger and watch the light go out of your eyes.”  where’s the triumph?  where’s the resolution?  that the good guys all die at the end or in saving themselves, become the bad guys?  i reiterate that i might just be a special case here, but does it make anyone else’s skin crawl that the piece de resistance of these movies is the absolute and unabating nihilism that seems inherent in their plots?  horror films has always been the stuff of nightmares but these are bad dreams i don’t want to have.

i’ve heard it said these movies are addressing the brutal truths of life.  terrorism.  torture and abduction.  pain and horror.  there are ways to convey that without making naked barbarity the dressing for every course of the meal.  when you tell me “this is some basically decent young person” (as my brother was) “who may or may not have made the best choices in the past” (everyone may or may not have done that) “that is about to undergo horrifying torture and pain without relent until they expire, in the most possibly gruesome way” you are saying to me “there’s no story to tell here but there are plenty of pictures you’ll wish you had never seen.”

i’ve already seen those pictures.

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the bleh and the bleh-er 9 May, 2007

Posted by silentpyjamas in blather and claptrap.
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sometimes i login to this blog to say things and then realize that i am saying like, some shit i said aaaages ago.  it’s SO WEIRD.  also dumb.

one might think that after all of this time and these crazy-ass depressions i have been having, i might go to the doc and get some medicine.  one might *think*.  except i HATE medicines.  sure say what you want about like, being crazy and stuff.  i know, i KNOW that if i had medicines i would be like all not-that-depressed and then not-that-manic and possibly not-that-psychotic.

of course then i would also be not-that-coco either, because nothing says “hello, zombie!” like someone on medication lurching their way through life.  you might call this “better” but i call it “unhealthy.”

anyways that’s it.  my friendships are crumbling around me (it’s a cycle, you know) it seems, and i am frustrated with trying to build my company.  really i just about no longer care about anything.  i’d sure like to raise my brother from the dead and trade places with him.

some new stuff 7 March, 2007

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it’s totally true.  i am now totally writing on the blog for the Closet Geek Show podcast.  i’ve been friends with Brent (the Closet Geek) for quite some time, and i remember when he said he was starting a podcast.  he asked me in january if i’d like to write for the blog and i said sure.  i’ve made my first post there today and hopefully this will begin a long career of guest bloggery!