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JERKS PART 1 inflammatory open letter to my friends who keep asking: why do girls like jerks? 13 December, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in inflammatory!, open letters.

hi there kids, i’m going to enlighten you on this highly confusing (for apparently everyone) topic. first i’d like to say i did not in fact close down my company. i got yelled at by my mom and who wants that? for crying out loud..

anyways back to jerks. i don’t claim this is the definitive answer but i daresay it’s a pretty fucken good one, and it explains a lot of the girls i know who prefer jerks (sometimes including myself). also, never having been gay or a lesbian, i don’t know if these things work for people of the homosexual persuasion. i’m not dissing you, but i imagine there could be similar kinds of situations.

once upon a time there was a girl named Polly. Polly was a nice girl, she wasn’t perfect but she was nice. all Polly wanted was to meet a nice boy who liked some of the things she liked, and settle down with him. just like she’d dreamed of all her life.

one day Polly met a nice boy named Jake. Jake was soooo cool. he was funny and they talked a lot and went on a lot of dates. one day Jake did some fucked up shit but Polly was forgiving, she knew people made mistakes. she’d hoped he woud learn from this wrng thing and do better next time. but Jake kept fucking up again and again, until finally Polly realized the truth. Jake was a jerk. a jerk disguised as a nice guy.

Polly was left reeling from her experiences with Jake and met a new guy named Mark. Mark was an asshole. he never even pretended for a moment to be anything he wasn’t. he called her out of her name, and came home smelling of perfume and strange pussy. he spent all her money and yelled at her in front of her friends. “girl” her friends would say, “Mark is a jerk! you need to kick his ass to the curb! you’ll meet a nice guy,” they all said. Polly finally grew tired of Mark’s antics and she broke up with him.

later, Polly met a guy named Richard. Richard was so gentle and caring. he didn’t have all the same qualities as Jake, and thankfully none of Mark’s. well, maybe just his ribald sense of humor. Polly was happy. she settled into her new life with the man who wanted to help her erase all the pain she had been through. they got hobbies together and went on trips and everything was great. except that Richard had this habit of getting irritated very quickly. he managed to cover it up rather well, so much so that Polly had no idea for the first few months. eventually, though, his short temper flared out of control and frightened Polly. but when he wasn’t being like that, he was so wonderful and sweet and kind. so loving. Polly was torn. but over time she came to realize that Richard was just another jerk in disguise, and she dumped him.

her greek chorus of friends cheered her on “you go girl! you’ll find mr right!” and she felt she would. Mark heard she was single again and came around. he hadn’t changed a bit. “i’m better than that now,” thought poor, plucky Polly.

then came Cal. oh Cal, he was so great. he wasn’t perfect either, but he was quick to make up for what he lacked. he was unfailingly patient and kind. he spoke well of her and never ill. when he was angry he worked it out without turning it into something personal. Polly felt herself falling for Cal. she really did. and as time went on, she noticed that nothing was going wrong. nothing. Cal wasn’t sleeping with her friends or making fun of her cooking. hell, Cal was even willing to hold off on sleeping together for as long as she wanted, because she was gun-shy. oh, Cal, you poor bastard.

Polly broke up with Cal. she couldn’t handle it. every day that went by brought her more tension. “will today be the day?” she asked herself every day. “is today the day that he’s going to become a complete ass? what the hell have i been doing with my time?” Polly had a little while to think one day and added up the amount of time she’d spent being kicked in the face by incognito jerks. she realized that she *was* better than that and that if she’s going to get kicked in the face by a jerk, it’s going to be an honest jerk. so she broke up with Cal, much to his sadness and confusion. her stress and worry about the “ending” immediately stopped and she felt relieved.

Polly went to find Mark. she found him and by now, she knew. Mark was a complete, utter, and nearly irredeemable asshole. but she knew that. nothing Mark would ever do, could ever surprise her. she expected him to bring her home VD, he hadn’t done it yet but she figured he would, eventually. she expected Mark to stay out all night and tell her that it was none of her fucking business where he was last night and stop asking before he just doesn’t fucking come back one night. but Polly smiled inwardly to herself. he would always come back. nobody else would have Mark the way he was. too much of a complete dick. but she would. she would have him and she would never be disappointed or truly hurt because she knew and embraced his jerkitude. Polly had learned a valuable lesson. you never know if you can trust someone until they prove you cannot. if you’e going to be with someone you cannot trust, you may as well be aware of it from the very beginning. Polly was happy, as it were, and nothing her friends could say would change her mind. she had found the perfect jerk for her.

the end

i hope that all of you aching nice guys out there can feel the point of this story.  i’ve thought about this a lot and asked around quite a bit and from what i have gathered, this is really the cause of the girl-jerk continuum.  don’t blame the girls, and call them all sorts of bitches and hoes.  that’s how they can tell you’re a jerk in disguise, motherfucker.  try to feel it, and if you can’t, then remember the last time you complained about only meeting bitches.


open letter to my brother: if the sky that we look upon 3 December, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in open letters.
1 comment so far

hey remember when we were kids, how we were addicted to that movie “stand by me”?

remember how we loved it when the ben e king video came on. it was like our anthem and our pact. it was okay we could make it through all of the horribleness as long as we stood by one another. now i am standing alone. not that our sister is somehow inasqeuate. quite the opposite. sometimes i wonder how it would be with all three of us. following through with the plans we made. being close to her makes me miss you.

i always cry when i hear “stand by me” because i think of us in the livingroom, singing it. always swearing to be there. yeah life is a jerk sometimes.

back then when we were kids, i was never one to pay attention to lyrics, but the lyrics of this song always struck me, because they’re so vivid. so i am going to sing them to you in print. i choke on them because if you were standing next to me and i saw a mountain dissolve into the water i wouldn’t cry. you’d be there.

when the night has come
and the land is dark
and the moon is the only
light we’ll see
no i won’t be afraid
no i won’t be afraid
just as long
as you stand by me

and darlin’, darlin’
stand by me
oh, stand by me
stand by me now, stand by me, stand by me

if the sky
that we look upon
should tumble and fall
or the mountain
should crumble
to the sea
i won’t cry
i won’t cry
no i won’t shed a tear
just as long
as you stand by me

and darlin’, darlin’
stand by me
oh stand by me
oh stand, stand by me, stand by me

whenever you’re in trouble you can stand by me
stand by me
stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

i will never regret anything as much as i regret not standing by you. you were in trouble and i knew. i knew and i failed you. and when the trouble finally came to fruition i was thousands of miles away never suspecting. i read this book in which a character says “ghosts don’t haunt places, they haunt people.” he’s right. you’re my ghost. for every smile and tear i carry you with me. i want you back. i would crawl through a thousand miles of broken glass to get to you. i would take my last breath right now if it would give you yours again. i spent hours and days and weeks of my life in courtrooms listening to every word that rang out accusing me of not acting. none of them knew they were indicting me or maybe i was just indicting myself. it’s weird how i didn’t know how much i loved you until the deafening roar of my feelings was echoed back from the grave.

open letter to UPS 1 August, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in blather and claptrap, inflammatory!, open letters.

dear UPS,

i have always thought you were cool, since you came around. i never made fun of your boring, shit-brown uniforms and trucks. i thought you guys were neat for helping your employees pay for college. well now you have gone too far, UPS.

how dare you delay my cookies!

that is the single joy i have had this week. my cookies. ever since last thursday i have been having such an incredibly shitty week that i looked forward to the cookies to make me feel better. i CLUNG to the knowledge that after work today my sister was going to go to the store and get some milk so we could eat delicious Deerfield Bakery cookies after we sent my niece to bed. YOU MONSTERS!

oh so now they’re delayed. i see, and that would be fine if they weren’t made preservative-free with real butter and SITTING IN THE HEAT IN KENTUCKY. i called your 800 number and after several minutes of negotiating with an automated system i hung up and attempted to reach someone at another number. clever how i can’t talk to a human being until i spend like half an hour making sweet love to your robot voice.  you have to know i was livid. still am, but at the time i was apoplectic with anger. BASTARDS.

and when i finally DID get in touch with the UPS operator (by calling the customer service number again and screeching into the phone that I WANT AN AGENT NOW) she was like “sorry about your cookies.” have you ever been so wrecked that you cried on the phone to someone who works for the company that delayed your cookies? hmm? well i have, just a few short minutes ago and i am so angry because all i wanted was my cookies. i could hardly even speak i was so upset, and the UPS lady, what did she do?  she acted like it was NO BIG DEAL!  “they’re just cookies, right?”  NO BITCH THEY ARE NOT JUST COOKIES.  they’re cookies sent by my dear friends who knew i was having a rough time and went TO THE BAKERY to get those cookies ESPECIALLY FOR ME.  c’mon UPS lady?  haven’t you ever had the cramps before?  DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN.  i wasn’t even yelling at you.  just sobbing because all i wanted was my fucking cookies.  they wouldn’t have made the world all right or kept me from slipping deeper into my insanity but they would have been a bright spot, and perhaps enough even to redeem this week. pff, screw it now.

you have no idea, UPS, how i am feeling right now. the contents of this vitriolic open letter do not even begin to cover the seething rage i am experiencing right now at knowing that *yet another thing in my life has gone wrong this week* and now there is nothing awesome happening today. you hookers had better hope that those cookies were accidentally kept in cold storage while they were making their way all over the country because if i open a package of rotten cookies, UPS so help me god i am going to be one angry bitch. *angrier* bitch.

i am going to call every single number i can find for UPS until someone from that company buys me some more cookies and i am *so* not kidding. you better hope these cookies arrive here still edible. i am serious, because damn, the cramps are talking and all they’re talking is trash.