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up and down 28 February, 2007

Posted by silentpyjamas in chronicle of the crazy.
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it’s been a while since i’ve posted. i know. i can’t bring myself to find anything clever to write.

at the moment i have stopped caring about everything. i realize this happens on a regular basis but i refuse to take medicines to “fix” it. i’m not advocating that everyone with a fucked-up brain stop taking their pills. if medication works for you, i’m glad. me, they make me feel like i’m wearing a spacesuit. can’t touch anything.

everyone wants to know what i want for my birthday. they would all be horrified if i told them i wanted to wake up dead.


direction 27 September, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in chronicle of the crazy, little fictions, water tower.
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again. the sky was grey and clouded. right at the top of the water tower. well, as far up as she could see. the top was up there somewhere, jutting beyond the cloak of the angry sky. always cloudy there. always. it was night now, but even when the rest of the sky was a cheerful blue, there was a shadow over the water tower.

the elevator ride up was uneventful. she had long since given up trying to see what was on the floors before eddie’s apartment. whatever was there was unknowable to her. when she got out she kicked off her shoes, dropped her coat on the back of the couch. she wasn’t quite sure how she’d ended up there again. she thought she must have a reason for being there. thirst took her into the office kitchen where she grabbed a bottle of water whose label seemed wonderfully and frighteningly familiar to her. eddie appeared at her periphery, leaning against the door frame nearly jauntily, but the pose carried no feeling behind it.

“there are drinks in the apartment kitchen. why do you always just drink the bottled water in here?” she’d heard it a million times. and so there were, she knew it, she’d seen them. but that was his kitchen and no matter what he said to her, she could never feel quite at home there.

“you keep buying it.” she ambled her way to the bedroom and stood at the window. window was an understatement, this was a wall of glass. when she was’t feeling well she didn’t stand too close to it. the absence of visible things holding it in place made her nervous and dizzy sometimes.

he’d followed her to the bedroom, the only place in the tower she felt truly comfortable. it was an odd comfort, because she did not trust eddie chen and was certainly not in love with him. his hand found its way to the small of her back and she stiffened, eyes locked on the expanse of night that seemed neverending. “eddie chen, i need to go home.” eddie sighed.

the next morning she lay awake in eddie’s comfortable bed, vaguely wondering what his sheets were made of. she knew, but it seemed unreal, somehow. like a word in a language she’d never heard before. she wanted to call it something else. “feels like cotton” she said, and beside her eddie sleepily asked her what cotton was. she didn’t know either. “i dreamt about that little girl again.” eddie sat up and watched her slide out of bed and stand at the glass wall, staring outward as if she were searching for something. home, eddie guessed. she’d been all over the place looking for it and she couldn’t seem to locate it or give any specific details about its location. the cars, they dropped her off at the water tower when she was finished looking. he didn’t begrudge her that. he wondered if she realized where she was.

“i feel like i know her. like i love her.” she pressed her hands flat to the glass and eddie didn’t tell her to stop because he knew she would be defiant. the glass was so cool and smooth and solid right now. she wanted to fly from this tower and find the answers to all her questions. in these kinds of moods she didn’t care to answer eddie’s questions about the things she knew, so eddie said things he knew she would not reply to. “how can you love a little girl from a dream? is she from ‘home’?”

she didn’t say anything and eddie went to make breakfast. it didn’t matter to her, she wasn’t eating anything from there. she felt like persephone in the underworld, afraid to touch anything that that would bind her to eddie chen. anything that would make her answer his questions or feel calm at his touch. she didn’t care what anyone told her, she believed that there was something in her life that was out of the shadow of the monolithic structure she refused to call by its name and whose purpose she rejected understanding. she didn’t know what it was but she would find it.

“restless?” eddie didn’t even look up from the tray of breakfast he’d placed on the bed and was nibbling at. there was a tray on her side too but she ignored it. this was the pattern, this was how she resisted his vaguely unsettling familiarity with her. to the closet she went, wondering why she had so many clothes there and who bought them. she dressed in the bathroom, unlike eddie who changed clothes in front of her as if they were married or lived together. the most naked she’d been in front of him, as far as she knew, was in nightclothes. even the times she’d given in and had sex with him, she was never naked. she’d never be naked for eddie chen, because who was he anyway and why did he act as if everything was fine?

he took a sip of something that made her think of “coffee.” she thought he was up to something. “the car is already down there. can you come back before dark? i invited people to dinner and to see the tower, and i’d like you to join us.” she wished he would stop asking her.

“maybe i’ll find my way home today, eddie chen.” with that, she stepped into the elevator.

a post script 25 September, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in 420 posts, blather and claptrap, chronicle of the crazy.
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lest you think this kind of hallucination is like the awesomest game you ever wished you could play, i wanted to just say it’s not all cotton candy and flowers.

at the moment i am having intermittent issues seeing stuff as if i have vaseline spread across my eyes.  my neck and shoulders (and eventually my whole body) is hypersensitive and the collar of my shirt especially, is vexing because my skin feels like it is humming.  i have a high-pitched whine noise that i can’t block out even by plugging my ears and tha is compounded by the fat that the constant noise of my thoughts is getting so loud it is almost nauseating.  which is odd because i call it noise but i feel it rather than hear it.  i am also not sleeping too well and whenever i am alone, hoo boy. 

anyways, this is pretty normal stuff.  like i sort of feel like i am not actually touching everything which is really annoying.  i am a little (kevin) spacey but i’m alright.  i think that maybe a little rest and a little green crunchy will do me just right.  funny, i’m lucky because i bet if i had nobody and was left alone with my thoughts during these times, i would be crazier than a shithouse rat.

Dream: The MMORPG (kudos to Spaceman42 for the title) 25 September, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in 420 posts, chronicle of the crazy, Dream City.
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so i have been having one of my usual weirdnesses.  it’s a new city this time and shall henceforth be known as Dream City.  this may or may not be the location of the pink city apartment.  i can’t tell at the moment.  it’s weird.  i have had a LOT of dreams in the past about this place but it’s sort of akin to being dropped into various random places of the same city without ever knowing where you are or even that each time, you’re in the same place.

it’s interesting to experience.  yesterday i started having the “live” hallucinations, in which i the middle of the day i suddenly feel i have teleported here after a week being somewhere else in my other life there.  i have finally come up with a comparison for that it feels like at these times.

imagine a hard drive.  the hard drive is like, tethered to the computer.  the only way it can talk to other computers is through a network.  it can never really touch them.  my sister is a hard drive.  i am a usb drive.  all of the data that is me can be moved to another computer and plugged in, and interact with it as if i am normally a part of it.  it recognizes me as a drive and it interacts with me, and for me, the drive, it is as if that is always my computer.

i hope that makes some sense of it.  and now without further ado i present the irc log from today’s chat in which i discuss this new concept.  i was going to keep it secret but really, it’s not going to kill me to share.  i have this paranoid fear that someone will steal my ideas but seriously, like this story hasn’t been done before.  besides, i’m all about open-source, so here’s the source.

[18:53] <@spj_zeez> like what if

[18:53] <@spj_zeez> there was a city somewhere

 [18:53] <@spj_zeez> populated entirely by the dream-lives of sleeping people

[18:53] <@Sqrrl101> Whoa.

 [18:53] <@Sqrrl101> That’s weird.

[18:53] <phosphers> interesting, but something similar undoubtably has been done

– – – – – – – –

[18:56] <@spj_zeez> the idea has been coming to me because like, i have been dreaming about this city and like, in every dream it’s just like i’m doing something normal

[18:56] <@spj_zeez> but sometimes i go to parts of the city i’ve been to before and whereas previously they were populated, they are like, bereft of any people at all

[18:56] <@spj_zeez> and completely dark. like deserted

[18:56] <@Sqrrl101> Cool.[18:57] <@spj_zeez> and i’m like wow man, wouldn ‘t it be crazy if it’s because nobody but me was dreaming of that part of the city, and i was only dreaming about what i was doing so it was unpopulated at that time

[18:57] <@spj_zeez> and what if, in fact, the appearance changed slightly from time to time, of the city, because if there’s nobody around, it goes away and the next person who dreams it may dream it a little or a lot differently

[18:58] <@Sqrrl101> Like some kind of central dream-server.

[18:58] <@spj_zeez> yeah man

[18:58] <@spj_zeez> wouldn’t that be crazy?

[18:58] <Spaceman42> Dream: The MMORPG.

yes, wouldn’t it be crazy indeed. 

i also feel like ihave learned a lot about myself in the past couple of days.  i swear it’s been longer than that but it really hasn’t.  i feel good.  better than i have in a while and not just because i ran into someone who knows what these crazy hallucinations are probably called.  i spent about 3/4 of a day worrying myself before i was like “you know what?  is tacking a name onto it and angsting over taking meds going to make it go away or make you anyone other than who you are?” 


and this is the truth.  i feel really good, i feel like the weight of that worry and fear that i have had for so many years is lifted from me.  not to say i won’t have isolated incidents of fright from staring occasionally into the naked face of my fear or losing touch permanently.  more like, that constant worry, it isn’t going to change anything.  it’s not even going to make me take meds because i don’t want to live the rest of my life being someone else just avoid some weird potential outcome that may not even happen.

i think also i have a wonderful group of people in my real and virtual lives who keep me tethered enough that i won’t float away any time soon.  instead i am sticking to my cause of spinning these crazy experiences to stories because who knows, maybe my imagination is so powerful it interrupts my daily life on occasion to tell a story to me that i need to be writing down.

i’m both the girl you know, and not the girl you know.  but i’m the girl i don’t know sometimes, too.  it’s not that terrible though, because without this i don’t think i would have the imagination i do.  and hey, my imagination is awesome.

if only for today 24 September, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in blather and claptrap, chronicle of the crazy, pink city apartment.
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i am unafraid. that goes out to my brother. that’s all about that.

last night i had a dream that tied up a lot of dreams i have been having. i dream i am in a city. some parts of the city that are inhabited by scores of people in one dream, and in the next are practically empty. i am not sure yet if it is the same city with the pink apartment, so i am waiting. i’ve been having a surge in this series of dreams so i think that probably it is related. i will find out soon.

so i heard that these crazy thoughts i have about “other places” may be something called “delirious mania.” i’m not really able to find much information about it online, and what i have found is somewhat frightening. i am not going to worry much about it for now, since i already have an established rhythm and method for dealing with this. i’ll update when i get more of a clue about the city. there’s more to it but it’s 6am and i’m not thinking that clearly.

i found a super-awesome blog from someone who saw this same monkey show “romeo and juliet: a monkey’s tale” on animal planet. very strange documentary but pretty neat. check this blog out. it’s pretty sweet.

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oh eddie chen 15 July, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in 420 posts, blather and claptrap, water tower.
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you sly devil you.  came to pick me up last night eh.  and then again today.  i don’t know what to think.  you picked me up but you weren’t even there.  where were you, eddie chen?

i had forgotten i was even there.  i couldn’t remember what was happening, other than i have been feeling weird.  oh, not the brain ping weird, worse.  that horrible stress from work weird where i can’t sleep because of someone calling out my name just as i drift off.  my legs are full of restless energy and the beast is whispering to me in that weird language of hers where there aren’t any words.  i mentioned the shepard tone and then i listened to several versions of it.  it was bringing something back, and voila, here it is.  the trip.

i have no idea what i did at the water tower.  it feels like i just stood at the livingroom window all night long and stared outside at the flatlands.  the glass was cool and the light from the tower kept the darkness at bay.  and i saw the tower again from outside.  i guess when i was walking to it from my drop-off spot.  i hate looking at it from up close.  it’s too much for me to take in.  the shape of it is somehow disturbing lately.   the Rak’th was angular and pointed, like spires going up and up.  the Ourk’th is just so..it’s so organic-looking.  that whole swell of a ship’s bow balanced atop that tiny golf-tee look, i don’t know.  it seems menacing.  more menacing than before, at any rate.

i’ve been having the zombie dream again too, only this time, alex isn’t there with me.  i don’t have to save her anymore or get her to a safe place.   it doesn’t even feel the same.  i don’t feel heroic or anything anymore in that dream.  now i am just scared and alone in a place overrun by zombies, and worse, i’m not even aware of where the safe places are anymore.  what does that even mean?

i napped fitfully at mom’s.  it’s terribly hard to sleep when you can’t keep your body from buzzing with energy.  this is the sucky ebergy tha can’t be gotten rid of by going for a long walk.  i had wanted to go to the gym tonight since i missed it last night, but my workout partner couldn’t make it.  we’ll work ojut twice as hard tomorrow, but i thought maybe afew quality minutes with the thighsolator and the calves machine would burn that feeling out of my leg muscles.  it’s funny how such a combination of things has these effects on me.  the nervous energy all by itself can push me into psychosis.  it just drives me nuts.  and i’ve been having olfactory hallucinations, too.  smelling french fries for days on end.  i’ll be so happy when this passes.  i’m hoping it will just be another day or two, because it’s getting to the point where i don’t want anything touching my skin.  it only aggravates the nervous energy feeling.

why doesn’t eddie chen just show up at my house?  seriously.  i mean, just come on over eddie.  we’ll smoke a bowl and have a drink and watch some tv.  why do i always have to come over there, huh?

emo-whaaa? (we tall did. sofa king we tall did) 2 July, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in blather and claptrap, chronicle of the crazy.
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i try not to post emo stuff in here.  i have a livejournal (haven’t used it in about a year) that is for emo crap.  well, i never use it anymore.  why?  i’m trying to give up the emo, you see.

anyways, today is kind of an emo day for me. first i woke up and spent a little while worrying that i was dead.  once it was confirmed that i’m alive, i spent a while asking myself why i hadn’t made different choices in life.  “CoCo, just why didn’t you ever go to Greece when that guy invited you?”  “CoCo, why didn’t you do that cd with those guys who wanted you to sing with them?”  “CoCo, why didn’t you stay at <insert job here> because it wasn’t so bad?”  “CoCo, why aren’t you on your medication?”

it’s the last questions, of course, that gets me every time.  why *aren’t* i on medication?  why aren’t i indeed? (amn’t?)

i’ll tell you why.  medication is my arch-nemesis.  my values are all wrong.  i value my cognitive freedom over this “reality” everyone always seems so ho-hum about.  i mean, if you people can’t get excited about it, don’t ask me to even care.  i am tired of people telling me that i need to be n meds and live in the “real world.”  how the hell are they supposed to know what the real world is?  it’s what their brain told them.  and my real world is what my brain is telling me.  anyone’s brain could be lying to them.  maybe the world really is as one “dimensional” as people imagine it.  earth and sky, woopee.

for me the world is way more than that.  depending what time of the day it is, what the sky is like, what it smells like outside, the world can transform itself into something familiar or frightening.  it’s the water tower place or the pink apartment or the place in the city where i work with antiquities.  sometimes it’s the place where i get on the train from the university library.  but they’re all home to me one way or another.  they’re all where i live and i’m me in all of them.  sure, i’m me with different memories and me with different clothes (note: in *this* world coco does NOT wear high-heeled shoes) but i’m me.  it’s not quite the same, i think, as a doppelganger, because it’s not a copy.  it’s like…it’s like i exist in many places at once but am only able to be aware in one place at a time.

right anyways, back to my emo.

i’m all emo.  i feel like i have made some terrible decisions and i’m all worried now about getting old (c’mon, i’m 31.  i’m allowed) and having wasted away my youth.  it’s true, i had fun, but i didn’t accomplish anything.  now, i suppose, if i want to accomplish, if i want to achieve and rise to the top of whatever, i need to pop my pills and allow myself to be confined to this confining little world.   thankfully my boss isn’t all about the medicines, but there is always that element lurking around waiting for me.  “just think how much better you could be.  no more weird smells, no more sleepless nights or crazy nightmares.  no more wondering whatever mister eddie chen wants or what the water tower is for.  no more thinking you’re dead or wondering if you’ll ever feel alive.  no more curling into a ball wishing the world would just stop for a moment so you could gather your thoughts.”  yeah, no more of that, but at the same time, no more ebb and flow of my ideas.  no more crazy stories, because as everyone knows, creativity is disorganized thinking and there’s no antipsychotic that wants to let you have disorganized thoughts.

why oh WHY am i blathering on senselessly?  i don’t know.  i wanted to say something.  i feel something but i guess it’s one of those things that can’t be said.  it’s the simple truth of being sofa king we tall did.

sci fi paranoia night 12 June, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in 420 posts, blather and claptrap, chronicle of the crazy.
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okay, a couple of things.

first: i swear there is some kind of alien sitting on the outside sill of the high window in my mom's livingroom.  okay?

second: i was just out in the coutyard getting whanged and i heard this terrible and sudden noise.  now listen, okay?  it's like 2:45 am in las vegas and i am in my mom's courtyard getting high.  i used her barbecue lighter (but not the bendy one) because i had mistakenly grabbed from my house a nearly-deceased lighter.  this made for a really tragic smoking time.  i had to go out to smoke, come back in to find a new lighter.  every noise i made seemed so loud.  and then of course on the way to the kitchen i see this alien thing and then i get back to the yard and i notice…a solar light where there appeard to be NOT A SOLAR LIGHT BEFORE!  (side note: i know the guy whose grandfather invented malibu lights.  i mention this because i said "mom, don't buy those lame solar lights.  you should be awesome and get malibu lights instead.  i know the guy whose grandfather invented them.")  so i am already freaked out.

okay i know my style is disjointed so let me fix this for you.

a) alien

b) already freaked out by solar light and the alien and HIGH , i hear a loud roaring noise.  i look to my left and see the air-conditioner and i had no idea what it was!  i felt this dumb panic.  for seriously, i thought i was going to die.  i was in my mom's backyard staring at the air conditioner thing like it was about to turn into a giant robot and obliterate me.  it was so crazy. 

 now, what number was i on?

(scrolls back)  or right.  count-y-thing.

 third: i am also totally hallucinating hardcore.  now this may sound like just the kind of blather and claptrap i am always saying.  but it's absolutely not.  neither is it stuff and nonsense so don't ask.  i am absolutely and totally hearing noises from my left.  no, not in my left ear, from my left.  i have no idea what these noises are.  they sound like conversations.  i would like to listen more closely but the thing is at this moment i cannot be fooled.  there is nobody to my left.  my niece is asleep in the guest room.  the tv is on in here but the sound is off.  that is so crazy.

 wow now my sister is home and telling me about her crazy adventures with her husband.  don't ask.  i think they are both retarded.

someone help me.  they're all sucking my brains out.  maybe that's what that alien on the front patio is about.

hello people who wrote blog hate mail 23 May, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in blather and claptrap, water tower.

what’s that all about? i haven’t done anything to anyone. if you guys are friends of some eddie chen, i’m sorry that your friend has the same name as a guy in a hallucination i have. for the record, no i am not talking about any eddie chen who uses the internet. i don’t see why anyone felt the need to write a harassing message just because they found the name of someone in my blog.

there are probably a load of eddie chens in the world, and it’s no mean feat to have the same name as someone else. i have the same name as a woman who is a criminal, my brother was murdered by someone with the same name as a policeman, my brother, incidentally, shared the same first and last name as my father. it’s not a huge deal, really. so please stop sending me hate mail because nobody forced you to read my blog and nobody is forcing you to comment on it. thanks very much and to the eddie chen that *i* know, on a planet that is not earth and a place that is not here, hello and i’m sure i’ll see you again.