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I HAS A STALKER! 6 October, 2007

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PANDEUS MAXIMUS I’M CALLING YOU OUT!

love,

CoCo

no harm, no foul 3 December, 2006

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and then extend your hand to me with a smile on your lips but not in your eyes.  i didn’t know we wanted this, but i guess i know now.  what do we do with this thing.  can we bury it and forget that we ever handled it?  you don’t know me and i don’t know you.  i would like to think we did at some point, and that we lost it.  but now i don’t think that’s the case at all.

but then turn from me an hide the light in your eyes.  i remember the last time we talked.  i didn’t know those would be the final echoes in the allway of our relationship.  i’ve cut my fingers trying to turn back the hands on the clock.  still it ticks on.  erasure is taking over you in my mind and the clawing silence is cold and unknowable.  is it a dishonor to say i wish i had never known you?

in that moment i caught your words on the wind and floated on them to my own personal xanadu.  it seems strange now to see that my sail has always been full of holes.  what is this place i have arrived at?  the wine has turned to water and the fruits to rocks.  honey for blood.  that’s not a fire.  it’s a will o’ the wisp.

until now i wasn’t ever right or wrong.  now i am both.  all of you are drowning me in my thoughts and it’s both a joy and a torture.  i want to remember you but i can’t wait to forget.  i imagine and imagine and imagine that somehow someday we will unravel the knots that bind us.  if you don’t believe me then tell me and i will stop trying to sever myself from you.   nobody ever loved you in the warped, twisted way that i had to.  nobody could love you the way you made me love you.  do you want me to stop now?  this love is heavy love.

MY SISTER HAS A BLOG! (shout-out to the girl mechanic!) 19 November, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in 420 posts, blather and claptrap, poem-tree, shout-outs, stuff and nonsense.
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now you guys can read all about my sister’s automotive adventures on her blog. i harassed her for like months to get this blog, because she has such great stories from her work and i love it when she talks about cars. she also could get more women to feel good and even confident about dealing with their cars. she’s pretty passionate about cars and about people being knowledgeable about their vehicles. so far, every story is funny but i do like the one about the hose.

also i found this in the list of search terms for my blog:
“poems to tell someone your pregnant”

and in the interest of helping this person, should they happen to be searching again tonight, or to help anyone, really, who needs such a poem, i present “Pregnant.”

Roses are red
Violets are blue
One of us is pregnant
And it isn’t you.

i hope i’ve been helpful.

you sail away (atlantis) 31 October, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in 420 posts, poem-tree, stuff and nonsense.
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i saw your flag when you were still miles away
didn’t mean a thing
sat on my hill and found a better thing to do

stepped on my shores then i had too much to say
meant all too much
should have thought more about it

the water’s so wide
the water’s so deep
couldn’t have better than life as an island

so i stand with my face to the summer sun
there are lies in my eyes and i say it’s the spray
it’s easy the leaving it’s harder to stay
and i watch you sail away

the best spyglass is the one made with my hands
though i can’t see a thing
just means i don’t have to know what’s there

can’t have an hourglass if it’s empty of sand
that’s the point
it’s always right now and tomorrow is not at hand

the water’s so blue
the water’s so clear
can’t imagine it any other way so i will never leave

so i turn away from the summer sun
and i fear and i dread that the water i tread
will give me away it is blooming with red
as i watch you sail away

i seem to remember the summer sun
the dive that i take and the smile that i fake
through the choke and the shake as i drown in your wake

i heard once of something called the summer sun
it’s not hard to be brave underneath of the waves
don’t believe what you hear
there was no island here
fold your map and sail away

a meandering through my thoughts 22 October, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in 420 posts, little navigations, thing-a-lings.
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this might not be the most interesting navigation ever.  i don’t know.  i’m just feeling thoughty and talking and writey all at once and i got bored of the tv.

first thought it on alex.  what an awesome girl.  dang.  man.  i wish i were half as awesomoe as she is.  how does a 3 year old become more awesome than her parents combined?   and how do they calculate that?

speaking of calculations, i spent a little while this evening talking with some people about my cost/benefits analysis i do on everyone.  oh i mean you know, if i hardly know you i do a simple balance sheet but like you know if we’re close pals you can safely assume you have something akin to a credit score in my head.  i’m considering putting it into an excel spreadsheet and making a little powerpoint presentation.  i got this idea from a friend who i asked “and to whom would i show this powerpoint presentation” and he was like “to yourself!”  so if i make these excel sheets i will put them in here or somewhere somehow so you can see them.  like as if you care.  haha.

so this show the first 48 is on again.  i totally think i have become inured.  i used to think it’s just because there are so many reruns of crime shows but now my sister and i really only pay attention to parco, pi (which we like to pronounce “parcopy”) and dominick dunne’s power, privilege and justice.  because there’s nothing like rich people killing each other to death over money.

speaking of money, my sister and i had a lengthy discussion (with some ouotside input) as to what it would be worth to kill someone, as it seems a lot of people do it on the cheap.  they get hired for like $500 or they kill their husband for like $500k and i’m like “man that is so retarded.”  so we went on a little exercise in extremes to see what we could imaginarily buy for $30 million.  this is to illustrate that it’s stupid to kill for money, a little or a lot because like, the chances of getting caught weigh WAY more heavily on us than even the princely sum of 30 million hypothetical dollars.

the guinea pigs are funny and the bald ones are very warm.  i hate to touch them with cold hands because without fur they must be a little shocked to feel the temperature of my skin.

they will always be bald.

speaking of bald, do you think people still wax their bald pates?

epitome is pronounced “eh-PIT-uh-me” not “EP-i-tome.”  it is not spelled appitomy.

that makes me think of appendix.

sometimes i worry that love and anger cannot coincide.

i got interrupted for a few minutes.  working on an idea.  maybe for a comic!  that reminds me, remind me later when i’m sober to write about the christmas party, the tv, and the halt-man comic.  i’d link it now but i am too fucked up.  i can’t believe i just said that.

the sad part is, i think i am being horrible on purpose and i don’t know how to stop.  or maybe i have tricked myself into thinking i don’t know how to stop.  it always feels good when i am careening down the road to insanity, so gleefully apathetic and eventually nearly snarling with fiendish delight in saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing.  it’s cathartic, i feel, every single time, as if i am purging myself of something.  like i am somehow lighter than before.

does that make me a bad person?  i’d rather for you to think i’m a bad person than to dislike me based on some deficiency in my character.  yes i’m a weird one.

interrupted again.  they must have redirected a flight path or something over my apartment complex.  tonight is full of the heavy drone of aircraft.  planes flying and flying and flying.  passing overhead.  the sound concerned me at first.  there were so many planes that at first i thought there was a tank rolling down the street, or possibly (gasp of gasps!) an alien invasion.  well at first i thought “that sounds like a plane” but it got closer and then farther away.  which confused me because for about 15 seconds i thought there was a plane about to crash into my complex (or house) and i was asking myself “should i type that real fast and hit post so in case i die everyone knows what happened?”

i think that’s enough pontificating and rambling for tonight.  thanks, you’ve been a great audience.

the problem is… 22 October, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in 420 posts, thing-a-lings.
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even though Kanye West thinks he’s Jesus, i can’t stop loving him

(edit: this post was made during one of my enforced “reeducation” sessions, aka my sister’s video-watching time [we have 1 tv.  on purpose.].  the video in question was “touch the sky” by kanye west which features him kissing pam anderson.  my sister intoned, sotto voce, “yeah i kissed a white girl.  it tasted nasty like mayonnaise, but i did it for the sake of art.”)

a post script 25 September, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in 420 posts, blather and claptrap, chronicle of the crazy.
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lest you think this kind of hallucination is like the awesomest game you ever wished you could play, i wanted to just say it’s not all cotton candy and flowers.

at the moment i am having intermittent issues seeing stuff as if i have vaseline spread across my eyes.  my neck and shoulders (and eventually my whole body) is hypersensitive and the collar of my shirt especially, is vexing because my skin feels like it is humming.  i have a high-pitched whine noise that i can’t block out even by plugging my ears and tha is compounded by the fat that the constant noise of my thoughts is getting so loud it is almost nauseating.  which is odd because i call it noise but i feel it rather than hear it.  i am also not sleeping too well and whenever i am alone, hoo boy. 

anyways, this is pretty normal stuff.  like i sort of feel like i am not actually touching everything which is really annoying.  i am a little (kevin) spacey but i’m alright.  i think that maybe a little rest and a little green crunchy will do me just right.  funny, i’m lucky because i bet if i had nobody and was left alone with my thoughts during these times, i would be crazier than a shithouse rat.

Dream: The MMORPG (kudos to Spaceman42 for the title) 25 September, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in 420 posts, chronicle of the crazy, Dream City.
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so i have been having one of my usual weirdnesses.  it’s a new city this time and shall henceforth be known as Dream City.  this may or may not be the location of the pink city apartment.  i can’t tell at the moment.  it’s weird.  i have had a LOT of dreams in the past about this place but it’s sort of akin to being dropped into various random places of the same city without ever knowing where you are or even that each time, you’re in the same place.

it’s interesting to experience.  yesterday i started having the “live” hallucinations, in which i the middle of the day i suddenly feel i have teleported here after a week being somewhere else in my other life there.  i have finally come up with a comparison for that it feels like at these times.

imagine a hard drive.  the hard drive is like, tethered to the computer.  the only way it can talk to other computers is through a network.  it can never really touch them.  my sister is a hard drive.  i am a usb drive.  all of the data that is me can be moved to another computer and plugged in, and interact with it as if i am normally a part of it.  it recognizes me as a drive and it interacts with me, and for me, the drive, it is as if that is always my computer.

i hope that makes some sense of it.  and now without further ado i present the irc log from today’s chat in which i discuss this new concept.  i was going to keep it secret but really, it’s not going to kill me to share.  i have this paranoid fear that someone will steal my ideas but seriously, like this story hasn’t been done before.  besides, i’m all about open-source, so here’s the source.

[18:53] <@spj_zeez> like what if

[18:53] <@spj_zeez> there was a city somewhere

 [18:53] <@spj_zeez> populated entirely by the dream-lives of sleeping people

[18:53] <@Sqrrl101> Whoa.

 [18:53] <@Sqrrl101> That’s weird.

[18:53] <phosphers> interesting, but something similar undoubtably has been done

– – – – – – – –

[18:56] <@spj_zeez> the idea has been coming to me because like, i have been dreaming about this city and like, in every dream it’s just like i’m doing something normal

[18:56] <@spj_zeez> but sometimes i go to parts of the city i’ve been to before and whereas previously they were populated, they are like, bereft of any people at all

[18:56] <@spj_zeez> and completely dark. like deserted

[18:56] <@Sqrrl101> Cool.[18:57] <@spj_zeez> and i’m like wow man, wouldn ‘t it be crazy if it’s because nobody but me was dreaming of that part of the city, and i was only dreaming about what i was doing so it was unpopulated at that time

[18:57] <@spj_zeez> and what if, in fact, the appearance changed slightly from time to time, of the city, because if there’s nobody around, it goes away and the next person who dreams it may dream it a little or a lot differently

[18:58] <@Sqrrl101> Like some kind of central dream-server.

[18:58] <@spj_zeez> yeah man

[18:58] <@spj_zeez> wouldn’t that be crazy?

[18:58] <Spaceman42> Dream: The MMORPG.
….
….

yes, wouldn’t it be crazy indeed. 

i also feel like ihave learned a lot about myself in the past couple of days.  i swear it’s been longer than that but it really hasn’t.  i feel good.  better than i have in a while and not just because i ran into someone who knows what these crazy hallucinations are probably called.  i spent about 3/4 of a day worrying myself before i was like “you know what?  is tacking a name onto it and angsting over taking meds going to make it go away or make you anyone other than who you are?” 

“nope”

and this is the truth.  i feel really good, i feel like the weight of that worry and fear that i have had for so many years is lifted from me.  not to say i won’t have isolated incidents of fright from staring occasionally into the naked face of my fear or losing touch permanently.  more like, that constant worry, it isn’t going to change anything.  it’s not even going to make me take meds because i don’t want to live the rest of my life being someone else just avoid some weird potential outcome that may not even happen.

i think also i have a wonderful group of people in my real and virtual lives who keep me tethered enough that i won’t float away any time soon.  instead i am sticking to my cause of spinning these crazy experiences to stories because who knows, maybe my imagination is so powerful it interrupts my daily life on occasion to tell a story to me that i need to be writing down.

i’m both the girl you know, and not the girl you know.  but i’m the girl i don’t know sometimes, too.  it’s not that terrible though, because without this i don’t think i would have the imagination i do.  and hey, my imagination is awesome.

silentpyjamas 2.0: she’s back and she’s had an epiphany 16 September, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in 420 posts, blather and claptrap.
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hello ladies and gentlemen. despite the sentiments expressed in what would have been for all intents and purposes my valedictory, i am still here. furthermore, i love life.

i would like to express my sincere thanks to M, my n-s-e-t, niks, and sr for being there at just the right time. wow i was whanged out. wow i can’t believe how i was feeling.

but i must express the most critical thanks to my friend and timely superhero pants-man. pants-man showed up just in time to save thisnerdly little blog of mine. i had about 3 hours left on the clock. i was done ladies and gents. i couldn’t take it anymore and i had stopped crying. i can’t even tell you what specifically started itbut that was around the fourth day and i was sick with it. i had a bottleof whiskey, a bottle of pain pills, and about an hour to go before someone came to pick up miss malinky. i was ready. i was so ready that even though i knew what i was about to do was fucked up, i didn’t care. i had got *thurr*

so pants-man comes on and asks a very gentle question. i don’t know, it was crazy. within minutes i was telling him everything. i mean i didn’t even care anymore what he knew about me because pretty soon it wouldn’t matter. i can’t even pretend to know by which conversational device he extricated me from the rather tenacious grip i had on the idea of ending my own life. my stepdad showed up about an hour later to get alex and i went inside, at that point unsure of myself.

now before anyone gets their undies into a snit let me explain something about the suicidal. it’s not so much that the whole of life is so awful and boo hoo. god no. i *love* life, do you understand me? my family drives me crazy but i love them. i fucking LOVE alex. i would jump onto a pile of deadly scorpions to keep her from falling into it. i have a company i am building and a writing career i am trying to nurture. i want to get married and see the taj mahal and all kinds of shit. oh no, i love life.

i was under some really specific stress and due to an unfortunate chain of events, i just had a total meltdown. i cried for days and then just snapped. i knew the way out and i wasn’t gonna “show anyone” or anything. i just had to make it stop. pants-man sort of relieved the pressure. he provided me with a steam escape valve. he didn’t seem shocked or dismayed or anything. not to say he acted as if he didn’t care, he was just very delicate. it was very interesting. like verbal fencing. he didn’t try to dissuade me or tell me to snap out of it. and hell, it was easy to tell him anyway because he’s the person i’ve known the least amount of time and he was a receptive listener.

i don’t know. whatever he did, i reconsidered, clearly, as i am still here. i’m grateful. i’m so grateful i wouldn’t even know how to express it. today alex apologized to me for something and as she did i was just looking into her amber eyes and thinking “wow she is so beautiful and i almost missed this.” thank you, pants-man. you were right on time.

there are good things happening. that was another thing. the very next day (i felt amazingly better and refreshed, like a new frickin person, seriously) about 12 good things took place.

a) i’m officially taking over cupsrunnethover which is a breast and bra-related information site. right now it’s pretty quiet but there’s going to be a redesign and i’ve come up with an idea. i’m thinking, online museum of undergarments. the whole shebang. it would be a HUGE community project but i think it would both get oldbies at the site back into it, and get new visitors interested and contributing. i got the idea from the online museum of menstruation which has a similar thing going on. check that out, by the way, it’s a really great site.

b) i will soon be purchasing my company’s name domain. i will then get a site up which will host my (for now vaguely top-sekrit) project. this will be awesome. thank you barcamp. (by the way, i do promise to blog about barcamp!) i learned so much and now i feel like i can take on the world with the powers of Web 2.0.

c) i found a mighty-fine web developer who is going to voom up the cupsrunnethover site and my company’s site for me. link forthcoming.  remind me.

good stuff.  i’m glad i chose not to go ahead with my plans.  i was there.  i hadn’t felt so ready in a lot of years.  thank you to everyone, for being there for me.  and thank you pants-man for throwing the towel back out at me.

since i’m on a run here… 6 August, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in 420 posts, blather and claptrap.
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i know, i’m lame. but i’m listening to music and i just had to share this.
i’m listening to a song called “crosses and crowns” by a christian artist called natalie grant. she’s pretty amazing, and is one of the few christian artists i actually really like. the song has these lyrics, which i believe are amazingly poetic:

we’re waiting on new wings
searching an old sky
waiting for the day we see heaven coming down
there’s a promised land awaiting
but there’s mercy in the meantime
while we’re walking on this ground between crosses and crowns

i always thought those were beautiful words.