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christmas, boobies, and other things 27 December, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in blather and claptrap.
3 comments

first of all: merry kwanzukkah. my sister and i like to tie ’em all up at once in a greeting. i hope everyone’s having a good season.

second: pics up on flickr soon of my GIFT STASH. very awesome. i got one of these and it is quite lovely. i’m enjoying the perks of being able to do neat things, except there is the teensy problem of this. it’s true, my boobs and my tablet pc are not really the best of friends yet. you’d think i’d be able to use my amazing powers to fix it.

and perhaps i shall, using this here which is, of course, the culmination of a dream and will be open for business soooon! fr srsly!

too a while to get the site and everything together and i have some minor fixin to do but we will be launching unofficially very soonl in addition to that, i am not sure what i wil precisely be doing with the brazenrevolution.wordpress blog, since i haven’t updated it in ages and there is one at the site. don’t worry, the site itself will not languish from lack of love and attention. as everyone’s favorite murderous short person says “coco, you can’t rest all day. you have to build my future!”

more updates to come, everything’s great, i called my personal jerk and wished him and his girlfriend a merry christmas. why? because i’m a sucky pushover, that’s why!

merry/happy/joyful/peaceful/what-have-you holidays/lack thereof to all. except those of you who want me to wish you crappy holidays or lack thereof. blah blah blah. kisses!

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it’s christmas again: things die in the winter 24 December, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in poem-tree.
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goodbye old year
goodbye old me
we’ve both changed.

grown a little colder
grown a little older
gone places we can’t come back from.

time only goes one way
and in the chill i wonder
what i could have done differently.

can’t get it back
can’t call forth those days again
where is the summer sun now?

wish i could stop time
just for a moment
live in the right here right now.

keep this moment
this uncertainty
from blossoming into whatever it will be.

i’m perched
on the cusp
of becoming someone else.

goodbye old year.

goodbye old me.

hello, the future
take me away from here
take me away.

about the jerks: for all the angry people 14 December, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in blather and claptrap.
1 comment so far

don’t be mad at me for collecting data and then expressing my views on what it means.  if you disagree, please feel free to let me know, but for crying out loud don’t tell me what kind of horrible harpy i must be for explaining something.  it’s terrible and tragic but hey, i’m just the answerer of questions.  have i had jerks in my life?  yes.  do i hate them?  no.  am i sorry i wrote this?  hell no.  if you don’t like it, then really, we can agree to disagree.

i am not encouraging women to go out with jerks, or to ditch their nice-guy boyfriends.  let me put this to you again.  i was simply answering a question for unspecified parties.  yes, more than one.  hell, more than several.  why not take a poll and ask your friends that are girls and with jerks, why they’re with a jerk instead of a nice guy.  please report back to me with the answer because i am always up for updating my hypotheses.  however, it’s not going to work just for you to tell me how stupid i am (on im or irc or whatever) and never give me a thing to back up your claims.  at the least i have a relatively logical chain of events/reasons listed.  -_-

and as for the jerks in my own life, if they’re being jerks i tell them.  just like i expect anyone to tell me if i’m being a jerk.  but regardless of what’s said, someone being a jerk is still a jerk.

JERKS PART 2 a little codicil (or whatever) to my little story about Polly and the jerks 13 December, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in blather and claptrap, inflammatory!.
4 comments

i’m going to go ahead here and say the word of the day is expediency. you may think i am a jerk myself for writing a story in which the moral is “hey nice guys, don’t blame the honest jerks for stealing away all the women, blame the jerks in disguise.”

you can’t really blame a woman for wanting to hook up with a jerk. i say, though, that you can blame her for the quality of the jerk. my personal jerk, for instance, is captain asshole. now i haven’t seen him in *months* but if i bumped into him it would be just like old times. incidentally, he was a jerk pretending to be a nice guy, but after a term of being nice, he went full-on jerk and no longer pretended to be a good guy. i say, you GO captain asshole. why can’t there be more honest jerks? i always ask. it would make things more expedient.

imagine the time one might save in one’s life if you didn’t waste, say, a year or several on someone who pretended to be something they weren’t! imagine that! it would be GREAT! like, if you’re flaky you should just say “you know what, i’m a flake” and be done with it. i do it. i tell everyone “i am a terrible person” because then how can i ever disappoint them? and how could they ever think i was being someone i’m not!?

it’s just easier to pick the clear asshole out of the lineup because the problem with jerks in disguise vs nice guys is that you just can’t tell and you can go a good while thinking you’re building a future with someone who turns out just to have been along for kind of a short ride that is mostly for their own amusement. eventually the business of meeting a nice guy gets old and lame because damn there are a lot of jerks out there pretending to be nice, ostensibly to take advantage of girls who want a nice guy. real men choose a road. either you’re man enough not to be a jerk, or you’re man enough to wear your jerk swagger and your wife-beater and get on with it. you guys in between, jerks in nice-guy suits, are the cause of this problem. bastards.

another thing to consider is the degree of jerktitude. this is kind of important. for instance, captain asshole doesn’t call me names (as far as i know) and he’s never raised his hand to me or anything like that. this makes me, of course, personally responsible for the treatment i might get from him but i am able to be responsible for it. i know it’s coming, so it’s kind of a comfort, really. if he were to suddenly start being very nice, i would become very suspicious.

some girls like XXtreme Jerks(!) which are like, guys who hit them, guys who hit their kids, guys who bring home VD, whatever. you know, these girls (i don’t care what you saaaay!) are responsible for the level of jerktitude being perpetrated against them. it is everyone’s choice whether or not to date a jerk (unless it is an incognito jerk still in the “nice stages” at which point yo have no fucking clue), and whatever kind of jerk he is, remember ladies, he’s still a jerk and if he beats your face in, that’s the price you pay for not finding a less violent jerk. the sad part is, it seems there aren’t too many really honest assholes to be found. some people claim to be assholes but most are just looking for attention. sadly, jerks as a species have become so advanced that they’re infiltratin the ranks of nice guys with the greatest of ease, and ripping a swath through the dreams of every girl who, like Polly, just wanted to meet a nice guy.

on the other hand, i think on some level it teaches yo to be thankful. your friends can be shocked when their man fucks another girl (or another guy or an animal or what-have-you), or when he cleans out their bank account, or accidentally spends the whole night at a titty bar. the girl dating a jerk can smile to herself because she’s never shocked, never surprised, and furthermore, she’s so beyond that that she’s able to enjoy really great sex with her man, even though she knows he’s thinking of someone else.

c’mon jerks, get more honest with us, willya?  i mean think about it, you have it all over the nice guys already.  nice guys cannot be trusted.  it will make the actual nice guys very happy and maybe some chicks will find an actual nice guy. and by some chicks i mean those of us who haven’t been burned beyond repair yet.

(NOTE AND SOMETHING SORT OF LIKE A DISCLAIMER: the men in Polly’s life and the men of which i speak are amalgamations of men i have known and heard of throughout my life, so if you’re a jerk that i know, honest or incognito, don’t worry, this isn’t specifically about you.  but you’re still a jerk.  love ya tho <3)

JERKS PART 1 inflammatory open letter to my friends who keep asking: why do girls like jerks? 13 December, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in inflammatory!, open letters.
3 comments

hi there kids, i’m going to enlighten you on this highly confusing (for apparently everyone) topic. first i’d like to say i did not in fact close down my company. i got yelled at by my mom and who wants that? for crying out loud..

anyways back to jerks. i don’t claim this is the definitive answer but i daresay it’s a pretty fucken good one, and it explains a lot of the girls i know who prefer jerks (sometimes including myself). also, never having been gay or a lesbian, i don’t know if these things work for people of the homosexual persuasion. i’m not dissing you, but i imagine there could be similar kinds of situations.

once upon a time there was a girl named Polly. Polly was a nice girl, she wasn’t perfect but she was nice. all Polly wanted was to meet a nice boy who liked some of the things she liked, and settle down with him. just like she’d dreamed of all her life.

one day Polly met a nice boy named Jake. Jake was soooo cool. he was funny and they talked a lot and went on a lot of dates. one day Jake did some fucked up shit but Polly was forgiving, she knew people made mistakes. she’d hoped he woud learn from this wrng thing and do better next time. but Jake kept fucking up again and again, until finally Polly realized the truth. Jake was a jerk. a jerk disguised as a nice guy.

Polly was left reeling from her experiences with Jake and met a new guy named Mark. Mark was an asshole. he never even pretended for a moment to be anything he wasn’t. he called her out of her name, and came home smelling of perfume and strange pussy. he spent all her money and yelled at her in front of her friends. “girl” her friends would say, “Mark is a jerk! you need to kick his ass to the curb! you’ll meet a nice guy,” they all said. Polly finally grew tired of Mark’s antics and she broke up with him.

later, Polly met a guy named Richard. Richard was so gentle and caring. he didn’t have all the same qualities as Jake, and thankfully none of Mark’s. well, maybe just his ribald sense of humor. Polly was happy. she settled into her new life with the man who wanted to help her erase all the pain she had been through. they got hobbies together and went on trips and everything was great. except that Richard had this habit of getting irritated very quickly. he managed to cover it up rather well, so much so that Polly had no idea for the first few months. eventually, though, his short temper flared out of control and frightened Polly. but when he wasn’t being like that, he was so wonderful and sweet and kind. so loving. Polly was torn. but over time she came to realize that Richard was just another jerk in disguise, and she dumped him.

her greek chorus of friends cheered her on “you go girl! you’ll find mr right!” and she felt she would. Mark heard she was single again and came around. he hadn’t changed a bit. “i’m better than that now,” thought poor, plucky Polly.

then came Cal. oh Cal, he was so great. he wasn’t perfect either, but he was quick to make up for what he lacked. he was unfailingly patient and kind. he spoke well of her and never ill. when he was angry he worked it out without turning it into something personal. Polly felt herself falling for Cal. she really did. and as time went on, she noticed that nothing was going wrong. nothing. Cal wasn’t sleeping with her friends or making fun of her cooking. hell, Cal was even willing to hold off on sleeping together for as long as she wanted, because she was gun-shy. oh, Cal, you poor bastard.

Polly broke up with Cal. she couldn’t handle it. every day that went by brought her more tension. “will today be the day?” she asked herself every day. “is today the day that he’s going to become a complete ass? what the hell have i been doing with my time?” Polly had a little while to think one day and added up the amount of time she’d spent being kicked in the face by incognito jerks. she realized that she *was* better than that and that if she’s going to get kicked in the face by a jerk, it’s going to be an honest jerk. so she broke up with Cal, much to his sadness and confusion. her stress and worry about the “ending” immediately stopped and she felt relieved.

Polly went to find Mark. she found him and by now, she knew. Mark was a complete, utter, and nearly irredeemable asshole. but she knew that. nothing Mark would ever do, could ever surprise her. she expected him to bring her home VD, he hadn’t done it yet but she figured he would, eventually. she expected Mark to stay out all night and tell her that it was none of her fucking business where he was last night and stop asking before he just doesn’t fucking come back one night. but Polly smiled inwardly to herself. he would always come back. nobody else would have Mark the way he was. too much of a complete dick. but she would. she would have him and she would never be disappointed or truly hurt because she knew and embraced his jerkitude. Polly had learned a valuable lesson. you never know if you can trust someone until they prove you cannot. if you’e going to be with someone you cannot trust, you may as well be aware of it from the very beginning. Polly was happy, as it were, and nothing her friends could say would change her mind. she had found the perfect jerk for her.

the end

i hope that all of you aching nice guys out there can feel the point of this story.  i’ve thought about this a lot and asked around quite a bit and from what i have gathered, this is really the cause of the girl-jerk continuum.  don’t blame the girls, and call them all sorts of bitches and hoes.  that’s how they can tell you’re a jerk in disguise, motherfucker.  try to feel it, and if you can’t, then remember the last time you complained about only meeting bitches.

randomness 10 December, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in blather and claptrap.
2 comments

what is new in my world?

a) i have henceforth officially given up on my company.  if anyone knows how to sell an idea, do let me know.  please.  i’d like to think that someone could make something out of it.

b) my niece is finally learning to read.  i mean she’s 4 so i guess she is not *so* far behind.  it seems she knows how to read more than she lets on usually, because i think she recognizes whole words.  who knows.

c) i am behind on all of my projects.  it is because i have been blah blah and feeling sucktacular.  i am still considering going to get some meds.

otherwise, i guess everything is same old, same old.  thought i’d just update lest everyone think perhaps i have died.  while that would be nice it hasn’t happened yet.

open letter to my brother: if the sky that we look upon 3 December, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in open letters.
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hey remember when we were kids, how we were addicted to that movie “stand by me”?

remember how we loved it when the ben e king video came on. it was like our anthem and our pact. it was okay we could make it through all of the horribleness as long as we stood by one another. now i am standing alone. not that our sister is somehow inasqeuate. quite the opposite. sometimes i wonder how it would be with all three of us. following through with the plans we made. being close to her makes me miss you.

i always cry when i hear “stand by me” because i think of us in the livingroom, singing it. always swearing to be there. yeah life is a jerk sometimes.

back then when we were kids, i was never one to pay attention to lyrics, but the lyrics of this song always struck me, because they’re so vivid. so i am going to sing them to you in print. i choke on them because if you were standing next to me and i saw a mountain dissolve into the water i wouldn’t cry. you’d be there.

when the night has come
and the land is dark
and the moon is the only
light we’ll see
no i won’t be afraid
no i won’t be afraid
just as long
as you stand by me

and darlin’, darlin’
stand by me
oh, stand by me
stand by me now, stand by me, stand by me

if the sky
that we look upon
should tumble and fall
or the mountain
should crumble
to the sea
i won’t cry
i won’t cry
no i won’t shed a tear
just as long
as you stand by me

and darlin’, darlin’
stand by me
oh stand by me
oh stand, stand by me, stand by me

whenever you’re in trouble you can stand by me
stand by me
stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

i will never regret anything as much as i regret not standing by you. you were in trouble and i knew. i knew and i failed you. and when the trouble finally came to fruition i was thousands of miles away never suspecting. i read this book in which a character says “ghosts don’t haunt places, they haunt people.” he’s right. you’re my ghost. for every smile and tear i carry you with me. i want you back. i would crawl through a thousand miles of broken glass to get to you. i would take my last breath right now if it would give you yours again. i spent hours and days and weeks of my life in courtrooms listening to every word that rang out accusing me of not acting. none of them knew they were indicting me or maybe i was just indicting myself. it’s weird how i didn’t know how much i loved you until the deafening roar of my feelings was echoed back from the grave.

no harm, no foul 3 December, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in 420 posts.
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and then extend your hand to me with a smile on your lips but not in your eyes.  i didn’t know we wanted this, but i guess i know now.  what do we do with this thing.  can we bury it and forget that we ever handled it?  you don’t know me and i don’t know you.  i would like to think we did at some point, and that we lost it.  but now i don’t think that’s the case at all.

but then turn from me an hide the light in your eyes.  i remember the last time we talked.  i didn’t know those would be the final echoes in the allway of our relationship.  i’ve cut my fingers trying to turn back the hands on the clock.  still it ticks on.  erasure is taking over you in my mind and the clawing silence is cold and unknowable.  is it a dishonor to say i wish i had never known you?

in that moment i caught your words on the wind and floated on them to my own personal xanadu.  it seems strange now to see that my sail has always been full of holes.  what is this place i have arrived at?  the wine has turned to water and the fruits to rocks.  honey for blood.  that’s not a fire.  it’s a will o’ the wisp.

until now i wasn’t ever right or wrong.  now i am both.  all of you are drowning me in my thoughts and it’s both a joy and a torture.  i want to remember you but i can’t wait to forget.  i imagine and imagine and imagine that somehow someday we will unravel the knots that bind us.  if you don’t believe me then tell me and i will stop trying to sever myself from you.   nobody ever loved you in the warped, twisted way that i had to.  nobody could love you the way you made me love you.  do you want me to stop now?  this love is heavy love.