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without even the words 17 May, 2007

Posted by silentpyjamas in poem-tree.
2 comments

without even the words
to tell myself how i feel
my hands are fists on the wall
bricks and blood and animal sounds
i can hardly breathe
i haven’t cried so much in so long
if i want to stop it inside
i have to stop it on the outside
i keep trying to shut the door but it won’t close
besides i can see you through the windows
my nails
what nails
can’t claw hard enough
can’t dig a hole fast enough to bury myself in
i love you
i hate you
i love you
i hate you
i’m sorry, i have to turn around
because i can’t stand hear your words
and only see your back
maybe we should whisper
or not speak at all
i can tear down the vines but the ivy will keep growing
until i destroy the root
i hate you
i hate you
oh, i hate you so much
i wish i didn’t love you
and maybe wish i never had

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the bleh and the bleh-er 9 May, 2007

Posted by silentpyjamas in blather and claptrap.
2 comments

sometimes i login to this blog to say things and then realize that i am saying like, some shit i said aaaages ago.  it’s SO WEIRD.  also dumb.

one might think that after all of this time and these crazy-ass depressions i have been having, i might go to the doc and get some medicine.  one might *think*.  except i HATE medicines.  sure say what you want about like, being crazy and stuff.  i know, i KNOW that if i had medicines i would be like all not-that-depressed and then not-that-manic and possibly not-that-psychotic.

of course then i would also be not-that-coco either, because nothing says “hello, zombie!” like someone on medication lurching their way through life.  you might call this “better” but i call it “unhealthy.”

anyways that’s it.  my friendships are crumbling around me (it’s a cycle, you know) it seems, and i am frustrated with trying to build my company.  really i just about no longer care about anything.  i’d sure like to raise my brother from the dead and trade places with him.