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direction 27 September, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in chronicle of the crazy, little fictions, water tower.
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again. the sky was grey and clouded. right at the top of the water tower. well, as far up as she could see. the top was up there somewhere, jutting beyond the cloak of the angry sky. always cloudy there. always. it was night now, but even when the rest of the sky was a cheerful blue, there was a shadow over the water tower.

the elevator ride up was uneventful. she had long since given up trying to see what was on the floors before eddie’s apartment. whatever was there was unknowable to her. when she got out she kicked off her shoes, dropped her coat on the back of the couch. she wasn’t quite sure how she’d ended up there again. she thought she must have a reason for being there. thirst took her into the office kitchen where she grabbed a bottle of water whose label seemed wonderfully and frighteningly familiar to her. eddie appeared at her periphery, leaning against the door frame nearly jauntily, but the pose carried no feeling behind it.

“there are drinks in the apartment kitchen. why do you always just drink the bottled water in here?” she’d heard it a million times. and so there were, she knew it, she’d seen them. but that was his kitchen and no matter what he said to her, she could never feel quite at home there.

“you keep buying it.” she ambled her way to the bedroom and stood at the window. window was an understatement, this was a wall of glass. when she was’t feeling well she didn’t stand too close to it. the absence of visible things holding it in place made her nervous and dizzy sometimes.

he’d followed her to the bedroom, the only place in the tower she felt truly comfortable. it was an odd comfort, because she did not trust eddie chen and was certainly not in love with him. his hand found its way to the small of her back and she stiffened, eyes locked on the expanse of night that seemed neverending. “eddie chen, i need to go home.” eddie sighed.

the next morning she lay awake in eddie’s comfortable bed, vaguely wondering what his sheets were made of. she knew, but it seemed unreal, somehow. like a word in a language she’d never heard before. she wanted to call it something else. “feels like cotton” she said, and beside her eddie sleepily asked her what cotton was. she didn’t know either. “i dreamt about that little girl again.” eddie sat up and watched her slide out of bed and stand at the glass wall, staring outward as if she were searching for something. home, eddie guessed. she’d been all over the place looking for it and she couldn’t seem to locate it or give any specific details about its location. the cars, they dropped her off at the water tower when she was finished looking. he didn’t begrudge her that. he wondered if she realized where she was.

“i feel like i know her. like i love her.” she pressed her hands flat to the glass and eddie didn’t tell her to stop because he knew she would be defiant. the glass was so cool and smooth and solid right now. she wanted to fly from this tower and find the answers to all her questions. in these kinds of moods she didn’t care to answer eddie’s questions about the things she knew, so eddie said things he knew she would not reply to. “how can you love a little girl from a dream? is she from ‘home’?”

she didn’t say anything and eddie went to make breakfast. it didn’t matter to her, she wasn’t eating anything from there. she felt like persephone in the underworld, afraid to touch anything that that would bind her to eddie chen. anything that would make her answer his questions or feel calm at his touch. she didn’t care what anyone told her, she believed that there was something in her life that was out of the shadow of the monolithic structure she refused to call by its name and whose purpose she rejected understanding. she didn’t know what it was but she would find it.

“restless?” eddie didn’t even look up from the tray of breakfast he’d placed on the bed and was nibbling at. there was a tray on her side too but she ignored it. this was the pattern, this was how she resisted his vaguely unsettling familiarity with her. to the closet she went, wondering why she had so many clothes there and who bought them. she dressed in the bathroom, unlike eddie who changed clothes in front of her as if they were married or lived together. the most naked she’d been in front of him, as far as she knew, was in nightclothes. even the times she’d given in and had sex with him, she was never naked. she’d never be naked for eddie chen, because who was he anyway and why did he act as if everything was fine?

he took a sip of something that made her think of “coffee.” she thought he was up to something. “the car is already down there. can you come back before dark? i invited people to dinner and to see the tower, and i’d like you to join us.” she wished he would stop asking her.

“maybe i’ll find my way home today, eddie chen.” with that, she stepped into the elevator.

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oh eddie chen 15 July, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in 420 posts, blather and claptrap, water tower.
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you sly devil you.  came to pick me up last night eh.  and then again today.  i don’t know what to think.  you picked me up but you weren’t even there.  where were you, eddie chen?

i had forgotten i was even there.  i couldn’t remember what was happening, other than i have been feeling weird.  oh, not the brain ping weird, worse.  that horrible stress from work weird where i can’t sleep because of someone calling out my name just as i drift off.  my legs are full of restless energy and the beast is whispering to me in that weird language of hers where there aren’t any words.  i mentioned the shepard tone and then i listened to several versions of it.  it was bringing something back, and voila, here it is.  the trip.

i have no idea what i did at the water tower.  it feels like i just stood at the livingroom window all night long and stared outside at the flatlands.  the glass was cool and the light from the tower kept the darkness at bay.  and i saw the tower again from outside.  i guess when i was walking to it from my drop-off spot.  i hate looking at it from up close.  it’s too much for me to take in.  the shape of it is somehow disturbing lately.   the Rak’th was angular and pointed, like spires going up and up.  the Ourk’th is just so..it’s so organic-looking.  that whole swell of a ship’s bow balanced atop that tiny golf-tee look, i don’t know.  it seems menacing.  more menacing than before, at any rate.

i’ve been having the zombie dream again too, only this time, alex isn’t there with me.  i don’t have to save her anymore or get her to a safe place.   it doesn’t even feel the same.  i don’t feel heroic or anything anymore in that dream.  now i am just scared and alone in a place overrun by zombies, and worse, i’m not even aware of where the safe places are anymore.  what does that even mean?

i napped fitfully at mom’s.  it’s terribly hard to sleep when you can’t keep your body from buzzing with energy.  this is the sucky ebergy tha can’t be gotten rid of by going for a long walk.  i had wanted to go to the gym tonight since i missed it last night, but my workout partner couldn’t make it.  we’ll work ojut twice as hard tomorrow, but i thought maybe afew quality minutes with the thighsolator and the calves machine would burn that feeling out of my leg muscles.  it’s funny how such a combination of things has these effects on me.  the nervous energy all by itself can push me into psychosis.  it just drives me nuts.  and i’ve been having olfactory hallucinations, too.  smelling french fries for days on end.  i’ll be so happy when this passes.  i’m hoping it will just be another day or two, because it’s getting to the point where i don’t want anything touching my skin.  it only aggravates the nervous energy feeling.

why doesn’t eddie chen just show up at my house?  seriously.  i mean, just come on over eddie.  we’ll smoke a bowl and have a drink and watch some tv.  why do i always have to come over there, huh?

hello people who wrote blog hate mail 23 May, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in blather and claptrap, water tower.
4 comments

what’s that all about? i haven’t done anything to anyone. if you guys are friends of some eddie chen, i’m sorry that your friend has the same name as a guy in a hallucination i have. for the record, no i am not talking about any eddie chen who uses the internet. i don’t see why anyone felt the need to write a harassing message just because they found the name of someone in my blog.

there are probably a load of eddie chens in the world, and it’s no mean feat to have the same name as someone else. i have the same name as a woman who is a criminal, my brother was murdered by someone with the same name as a policeman, my brother, incidentally, shared the same first and last name as my father. it’s not a huge deal, really. so please stop sending me hate mail because nobody forced you to read my blog and nobody is forcing you to comment on it. thanks very much and to the eddie chen that *i* know, on a planet that is not earth and a place that is not here, hello and i’m sure i’ll see you again.

whoa, good timing 29 April, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in chronicle of the crazy, water tower.
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caught me right at the front of a brain ping. i've been looking at this webpage http://www.therionweb.de/giger/newyork/newyork.htm and listening to this thing here http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/61/DescenteInfinie.ogg from this web page here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shepard_tone. crazy, isn't it? i was on one of my wikipedia wanderings one night and came across this shepard tone. and then the second i listened to that sound it called to mind the h. r. giger new york series. his art evokes something in me, i don't know what it is, but i look at it and it looks like something i know. many people find it dark and horrifying but it resonates in me. the sound seems to go so well with the new york series, for a while now a story has been formulating in my mind. a story about what? i don't know, but these new york pictures in particular speak to me about something frightening and esoteric. it's like the future of humanity. form and function. something.

so i'm having a brain tingle. it came on suddenly. i woke up and it smelled funny outside. the smell itself agitates me. i would sort of like to do something about the way my skin feels, which is too sensitive. there's nothing really i can do though, and i will try not to do the things i used to.

the water tower man. eddie chen. whispered in my ear that i was gone too long. the water tower is as imposing as ever. it's darker there, though. foreboding. the sky seems boiling with rain but none is coming. it's like a deferred storm. eddie doesn't want me standing outside looking at that. he knows it scares me. i felt sort of like i almost understood what the water tower is for. but i don't. i can't really wrap my mind around it. the papers, that eddie gave me to read. the scroll-book things, i don't really want to read them. right now they seem somehow scary. like there's something in them that might make me sick. he wamts me to stay, wants me to eat and rest and sleep. he wants me to forget that this place even exists. what *is* home anyway? and what is real. eddie chen and the water tower seem real, my sister and my niece seem real, i seem real. i can't choose one.

eddie chen (it feels weird just to call him eddie. too familiar) told me a story about someone else like me. he said that one day the person never came back. it was a man named markus avery. markus avery visited the water tower and one day he stopped coming back. eddie chen said that markus avery was different from me because markus avery didn't believe the water tower was real, and he didn't believe eddie chen was real. markus avery never learned the truth about the water tower either. at least i'm still here. or there.

the water tower is like giger's art. it is mysterious and it brings such a strong feeling of familiarity. i don't believe in past lives, though i guess it doesn't say much for me since i believe in concurrent lives. what does this all mean? maybe i am just lost in that funny between-reality haze.

eddie chen, take 3 18 December, 2005

Posted by silentpyjamas in chronicle of the crazy, water tower.
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i sometimes think i remember getting it on with mister eddie chen.  imaginary sex with an imaginary person(!)  i edit that: remember having gotten it on.  details? no. that weird feeling you get around someone you’ve done it with? yes.

why am i even writing this? well, it’s part of the eddie chen experience. besides, eddie’s an interesting guy. when he’s not trying to get me to move into his giant building, he’s upstairs. i spend a lot of time alone at his place. i read a lot, but his reading material is not like ours. it consists of a lot of dots and is on this sort of…like accordion paper, except it’s from like, up to down instead of the folds being on the sides. about the dots, they’re in patterns. and i don’t have any trouble reading them. i remember being curled up on his bed (damn that confortable bed!) and sipping something hot and reading one of his books. circles and dots. seemingly just splattered across the page, but that’s not the case at all. they’re like those asian characters. ideograms? ideographs? picto-thingys? you know what i mean.

but uh, yeah. it occurs to me that the act of typing this proves i am completely insane. i can’t believe i am sharing this. then again, it’s not such a big deal to share it. it’s just kind of odd that i am sharing it with anyone who happens to stumble across it.

in other news, i have a terrible hangnail

eddie chen and his amazing water tower 13 December, 2005

Posted by silentpyjamas in chronicle of the crazy, water tower.
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i don’t know why the water tower is called the water tower.  well, i kind of do.  it has something to do with rain, but i don’t know what, as i have never actually seen it rain there.  it’s massive.  imagine something roughly the shape of the bow of a ship but really huge, balanced on a base the shape of a golf tee.  i have no idea how it doesn’t fall over.

the water tower is really called the Ourk’th and the word means something but i forget what.  eddie himself built it.  it’s like an offering, i guess.  wherever he’s from sometimes people need to do a great work and that’s his labor of love.  so he built this thing and i have no idea what it’s for.  it’s so damn big you could fit several large office buildings into it and yet i have never seen anyone go up there into it.  i’ve never seen anyone there but eddie and me.  i’ve heard other people in the elevator but that was one night after a party.  i guess they followed us back.  eddie took them up there and wouldn’t let me go.  i fell asleep waiting for them to come back down.  they did but by then i was sleeping and grouchy because i heard them coming in.  i should have gone out there, probably, but i was being a bitch.

so, this Ourk’th.  i only know that k’th is the name for that type of building.  among his people this is kind of the thing to do.  most people who build a k’th are regarded as being very odd by their fellow citizens, though the k’th is a recognized and revered sort of structure.  there are others, eddie told me once about a Rak’th, which inspired him.  his eyes lit up when he was describing it, and i could see he was right back to his childhood on that little piece of a planet looking at the thing.  the Rak’th was a dead structure, though.  the little place where it was no longer had any water.  i guess nobody lives near an abandoned k’th.

the prefix, i guess, Our- and Ra- mean the name of the shape.  the shape of the building is some kind of really personal and spiritual kind of thing.  the name of it means whatever, their struggle or their quest or something, and then the prefix becomes the name of the shape.  so…Ourk’th means like, eddie’s struggle represented in the building, plus now the shape of the building and any thing shaped like that afterward.  apparently none are ever shaped plainly and are really sculptural and when i asked him how it stayed up without toppling he said that it stays upright because he made it and he wills it to because he built it. 

i don’t know that this is necessarily a supernatural kind of thing, though i can’t rightly say he’s some kind of secretly backward unscientific savage because i know that here or there, i couldn’t even conceive of building something like the water tower.  especially not alone.  it kind of leads me to wonder how old he is, though.

he told me when he started it was desert.  and that when it is a desert again the Ourk’th will “die.”  not in the sense that it’s alive, i think.  i’m not sure what other kind of sense there is but i didn’t get the idea that the  building was any kind of organism.  i kind of think maybe it needs water to work.

it’s a very safe building.  i just sort of know that.  nobody will mess with it.  nobody ever comes out to bother eddie.  aside from the night of the party i’m the only visitor i know.  eddie with his white button-down shirts and his mona lisa smile never tells me anything.  i haven’t been back there in a while.  it’s been some months.  maybe next time i’m there, if i can remember before i forget, i’ll try to find out more about eddie chen and his amazing water tower.

water tower man 13 December, 2005

Posted by silentpyjamas in chronicle of the crazy, water tower.
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sometimes i find myself in this place with this water tower.  these “dreams” started a few years ago when i started having a new kind of symptom, the “brain ping.”  i’ll explain that in another post someday, but the brain ping frequently brings about a kind of halluciation i can’t find a definition for.  it’s as if the whole of the world is overlaid with another yet i am the same.

so there i find myself most times, standing in the street, the car that dropped me off driving away.  i’m always dressed improbably, in things i would never actually wear.  high-heeled shoes and cocktail dresses.  my hair in complicated twists and curls.  i’m the same.  i look the same, i sound the same.  maybe i’m thinner, i don’t know.  i only recall having seen myself in the mirror in the way that people recall having looked in a mirror before leaving the house.  there’s nothing else to do but walk across the street.  it’s always ominous.  the sky is perpetually the color of impending rain and the water tower, which isn’t a water tower at all, stretches into the clouds.  they’re not like earth clouds.  they look like them at a glance but if you really look at them you can see that somehow the wind is all the way up there, moving them faster than it moves our clouds.  it’s more chaotic.  there’s always a storm a’brewin over the water tower.

you can’t see the top of it.

the scary thing is how well my mind lies to me.  while i’m walking i’m feeling myself forgetting my life here.  it’s as if the water tower causes amnesia.  the closer i get to it, the more the thoughts of my niece, my sister, seem distant and i have to clutch them as tightly as possible to keep them with me.  by the time i wake up in his bed the next morning, i’ll know those people are figments of my imagination.  i live there, in that place, and i come to the water tower to see the water tower man.  he’s called me over again.

he’s asian, tall, handsome.  his hair is very short and he’s the most reticent person i know in any world, that one or any other.  he wants to know something, but i don’t even know what it is.  i dread going to his apartment in the water tower because he’s got everything i like there.  he’s taken every effort to be a kind and gracious host.  when i’m there i can’t remember what it is about him that makes me so uncomfortable.  he’s so quiet, but when he looks at me i can tell he’s waiting for me to tell him something.  he never really asks, just waits and waits.  since i can’t say for sure what he’s up to, i can’t rightly be mean to him can i?  so i’m polite and i stand at the big windows and look out at the miles and miles of flatland.

so much green grass.

eddie chen took me into the water tower the first time with his arm around my waist.  in my mind, he was being unnecessarily familiar with me.  it was night and the tower was amazing.  i’ve never seen the top of it, it’s so tall.  and in the night against those turbulent skies the lights dotting the expanse stretching upward into the darkness is impressive.  it made me feel so tiny.  we stepped into the elevator.  it’s the only way in. 

it’s like being in a glass bullet.  the top of it is elliptical, like someone stretched one side of the cylinder taller than the other.  through the slanted circle on top i looked up and tried to see how far up my eyes could take me.  i saw nothing really, except the sides of the tunnel up there.  the elevator came to life.  i hesitate to say jolted because the motion was so smooth.  my stomach lurched because of the dissonance between the amount of motion i could feel and the amount i could see.  i hate to admit it but i held onto eddie.  i think he felt encouraged.  there’s an observation level.  it’s pretty high up, the view is amazing.  above that is a floor that is not visible from the elevator.  the tunnel is surrounded by a tube of something.  above that is eddie’s apartment.

his livng room is sunken in and it’s full of big fluffy pillows.  there may even be a couch there but i don’t think i have ever sat in there.  i only recall having been to his apartment kitchen once.  i say apartment kitchen because i prefer the office kitchen.  it’s small and has a little refrigerator and a couple of chairs and i can grab someting from there without feeling like i’m settling into his home.  i don’t even know where i live there.  i would hate to think i live with him.  in tragic light of that, i can say i have slept in his bed.  the bedroom has such wonderful windows, there’s never sun glare near the water tower.  the bed itself is so warm and comfortable.  every time i wake up there i am cursing myself for having fallen asleep in there.  it’s like i am accepting his suspect hospitality.  it’s not like he’s said or done something wrong…i just can’t believe he’s not up to something.  when i wake up there, i say to myself (or him, if he’s around) “i had that dream about that little girl again.”

eddie chen, the water tower guy.  he’s an interesting character himself.