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direction 27 September, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in chronicle of the crazy, little fictions, water tower.
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again. the sky was grey and clouded. right at the top of the water tower. well, as far up as she could see. the top was up there somewhere, jutting beyond the cloak of the angry sky. always cloudy there. always. it was night now, but even when the rest of the sky was a cheerful blue, there was a shadow over the water tower.

the elevator ride up was uneventful. she had long since given up trying to see what was on the floors before eddie’s apartment. whatever was there was unknowable to her. when she got out she kicked off her shoes, dropped her coat on the back of the couch. she wasn’t quite sure how she’d ended up there again. she thought she must have a reason for being there. thirst took her into the office kitchen where she grabbed a bottle of water whose label seemed wonderfully and frighteningly familiar to her. eddie appeared at her periphery, leaning against the door frame nearly jauntily, but the pose carried no feeling behind it.

“there are drinks in the apartment kitchen. why do you always just drink the bottled water in here?” she’d heard it a million times. and so there were, she knew it, she’d seen them. but that was his kitchen and no matter what he said to her, she could never feel quite at home there.

“you keep buying it.” she ambled her way to the bedroom and stood at the window. window was an understatement, this was a wall of glass. when she was’t feeling well she didn’t stand too close to it. the absence of visible things holding it in place made her nervous and dizzy sometimes.

he’d followed her to the bedroom, the only place in the tower she felt truly comfortable. it was an odd comfort, because she did not trust eddie chen and was certainly not in love with him. his hand found its way to the small of her back and she stiffened, eyes locked on the expanse of night that seemed neverending. “eddie chen, i need to go home.” eddie sighed.

the next morning she lay awake in eddie’s comfortable bed, vaguely wondering what his sheets were made of. she knew, but it seemed unreal, somehow. like a word in a language she’d never heard before. she wanted to call it something else. “feels like cotton” she said, and beside her eddie sleepily asked her what cotton was. she didn’t know either. “i dreamt about that little girl again.” eddie sat up and watched her slide out of bed and stand at the glass wall, staring outward as if she were searching for something. home, eddie guessed. she’d been all over the place looking for it and she couldn’t seem to locate it or give any specific details about its location. the cars, they dropped her off at the water tower when she was finished looking. he didn’t begrudge her that. he wondered if she realized where she was.

“i feel like i know her. like i love her.” she pressed her hands flat to the glass and eddie didn’t tell her to stop because he knew she would be defiant. the glass was so cool and smooth and solid right now. she wanted to fly from this tower and find the answers to all her questions. in these kinds of moods she didn’t care to answer eddie’s questions about the things she knew, so eddie said things he knew she would not reply to. “how can you love a little girl from a dream? is she from ‘home’?”

she didn’t say anything and eddie went to make breakfast. it didn’t matter to her, she wasn’t eating anything from there. she felt like persephone in the underworld, afraid to touch anything that that would bind her to eddie chen. anything that would make her answer his questions or feel calm at his touch. she didn’t care what anyone told her, she believed that there was something in her life that was out of the shadow of the monolithic structure she refused to call by its name and whose purpose she rejected understanding. she didn’t know what it was but she would find it.

“restless?” eddie didn’t even look up from the tray of breakfast he’d placed on the bed and was nibbling at. there was a tray on her side too but she ignored it. this was the pattern, this was how she resisted his vaguely unsettling familiarity with her. to the closet she went, wondering why she had so many clothes there and who bought them. she dressed in the bathroom, unlike eddie who changed clothes in front of her as if they were married or lived together. the most naked she’d been in front of him, as far as she knew, was in nightclothes. even the times she’d given in and had sex with him, she was never naked. she’d never be naked for eddie chen, because who was he anyway and why did he act as if everything was fine?

he took a sip of something that made her think of “coffee.” she thought he was up to something. “the car is already down there. can you come back before dark? i invited people to dinner and to see the tower, and i’d like you to join us.” she wished he would stop asking her.

“maybe i’ll find my way home today, eddie chen.” with that, she stepped into the elevator.

a post script 25 September, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in 420 posts, blather and claptrap, chronicle of the crazy.
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lest you think this kind of hallucination is like the awesomest game you ever wished you could play, i wanted to just say it’s not all cotton candy and flowers.

at the moment i am having intermittent issues seeing stuff as if i have vaseline spread across my eyes.  my neck and shoulders (and eventually my whole body) is hypersensitive and the collar of my shirt especially, is vexing because my skin feels like it is humming.  i have a high-pitched whine noise that i can’t block out even by plugging my ears and tha is compounded by the fat that the constant noise of my thoughts is getting so loud it is almost nauseating.  which is odd because i call it noise but i feel it rather than hear it.  i am also not sleeping too well and whenever i am alone, hoo boy. 

anyways, this is pretty normal stuff.  like i sort of feel like i am not actually touching everything which is really annoying.  i am a little (kevin) spacey but i’m alright.  i think that maybe a little rest and a little green crunchy will do me just right.  funny, i’m lucky because i bet if i had nobody and was left alone with my thoughts during these times, i would be crazier than a shithouse rat.

Dream: The MMORPG (kudos to Spaceman42 for the title) 25 September, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in 420 posts, chronicle of the crazy, Dream City.
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so i have been having one of my usual weirdnesses.  it’s a new city this time and shall henceforth be known as Dream City.  this may or may not be the location of the pink city apartment.  i can’t tell at the moment.  it’s weird.  i have had a LOT of dreams in the past about this place but it’s sort of akin to being dropped into various random places of the same city without ever knowing where you are or even that each time, you’re in the same place.

it’s interesting to experience.  yesterday i started having the “live” hallucinations, in which i the middle of the day i suddenly feel i have teleported here after a week being somewhere else in my other life there.  i have finally come up with a comparison for that it feels like at these times.

imagine a hard drive.  the hard drive is like, tethered to the computer.  the only way it can talk to other computers is through a network.  it can never really touch them.  my sister is a hard drive.  i am a usb drive.  all of the data that is me can be moved to another computer and plugged in, and interact with it as if i am normally a part of it.  it recognizes me as a drive and it interacts with me, and for me, the drive, it is as if that is always my computer.

i hope that makes some sense of it.  and now without further ado i present the irc log from today’s chat in which i discuss this new concept.  i was going to keep it secret but really, it’s not going to kill me to share.  i have this paranoid fear that someone will steal my ideas but seriously, like this story hasn’t been done before.  besides, i’m all about open-source, so here’s the source.

[18:53] <@spj_zeez> like what if

[18:53] <@spj_zeez> there was a city somewhere

 [18:53] <@spj_zeez> populated entirely by the dream-lives of sleeping people

[18:53] <@Sqrrl101> Whoa.

 [18:53] <@Sqrrl101> That’s weird.

[18:53] <phosphers> interesting, but something similar undoubtably has been done

– – – – – – – –

[18:56] <@spj_zeez> the idea has been coming to me because like, i have been dreaming about this city and like, in every dream it’s just like i’m doing something normal

[18:56] <@spj_zeez> but sometimes i go to parts of the city i’ve been to before and whereas previously they were populated, they are like, bereft of any people at all

[18:56] <@spj_zeez> and completely dark. like deserted

[18:56] <@Sqrrl101> Cool.[18:57] <@spj_zeez> and i’m like wow man, wouldn ‘t it be crazy if it’s because nobody but me was dreaming of that part of the city, and i was only dreaming about what i was doing so it was unpopulated at that time

[18:57] <@spj_zeez> and what if, in fact, the appearance changed slightly from time to time, of the city, because if there’s nobody around, it goes away and the next person who dreams it may dream it a little or a lot differently

[18:58] <@Sqrrl101> Like some kind of central dream-server.

[18:58] <@spj_zeez> yeah man

[18:58] <@spj_zeez> wouldn’t that be crazy?

[18:58] <Spaceman42> Dream: The MMORPG.
….
….

yes, wouldn’t it be crazy indeed. 

i also feel like ihave learned a lot about myself in the past couple of days.  i swear it’s been longer than that but it really hasn’t.  i feel good.  better than i have in a while and not just because i ran into someone who knows what these crazy hallucinations are probably called.  i spent about 3/4 of a day worrying myself before i was like “you know what?  is tacking a name onto it and angsting over taking meds going to make it go away or make you anyone other than who you are?” 

“nope”

and this is the truth.  i feel really good, i feel like the weight of that worry and fear that i have had for so many years is lifted from me.  not to say i won’t have isolated incidents of fright from staring occasionally into the naked face of my fear or losing touch permanently.  more like, that constant worry, it isn’t going to change anything.  it’s not even going to make me take meds because i don’t want to live the rest of my life being someone else just avoid some weird potential outcome that may not even happen.

i think also i have a wonderful group of people in my real and virtual lives who keep me tethered enough that i won’t float away any time soon.  instead i am sticking to my cause of spinning these crazy experiences to stories because who knows, maybe my imagination is so powerful it interrupts my daily life on occasion to tell a story to me that i need to be writing down.

i’m both the girl you know, and not the girl you know.  but i’m the girl i don’t know sometimes, too.  it’s not that terrible though, because without this i don’t think i would have the imagination i do.  and hey, my imagination is awesome.

if only for today 24 September, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in blather and claptrap, chronicle of the crazy, pink city apartment.
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i am unafraid. that goes out to my brother. that’s all about that.

last night i had a dream that tied up a lot of dreams i have been having. i dream i am in a city. some parts of the city that are inhabited by scores of people in one dream, and in the next are practically empty. i am not sure yet if it is the same city with the pink apartment, so i am waiting. i’ve been having a surge in this series of dreams so i think that probably it is related. i will find out soon.

so i heard that these crazy thoughts i have about “other places” may be something called “delirious mania.” i’m not really able to find much information about it online, and what i have found is somewhat frightening. i am not going to worry much about it for now, since i already have an established rhythm and method for dealing with this. i’ll update when i get more of a clue about the city. there’s more to it but it’s 6am and i’m not thinking that clearly.

i found a super-awesome blog from someone who saw this same monkey show “romeo and juliet: a monkey’s tale” on animal planet. very strange documentary but pretty neat. check this blog out. it’s pretty sweet.

silentpyjamas 2.0: she’s back and she’s had an epiphany 16 September, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in 420 posts, blather and claptrap.
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hello ladies and gentlemen. despite the sentiments expressed in what would have been for all intents and purposes my valedictory, i am still here. furthermore, i love life.

i would like to express my sincere thanks to M, my n-s-e-t, niks, and sr for being there at just the right time. wow i was whanged out. wow i can’t believe how i was feeling.

but i must express the most critical thanks to my friend and timely superhero pants-man. pants-man showed up just in time to save thisnerdly little blog of mine. i had about 3 hours left on the clock. i was done ladies and gents. i couldn’t take it anymore and i had stopped crying. i can’t even tell you what specifically started itbut that was around the fourth day and i was sick with it. i had a bottleof whiskey, a bottle of pain pills, and about an hour to go before someone came to pick up miss malinky. i was ready. i was so ready that even though i knew what i was about to do was fucked up, i didn’t care. i had got *thurr*

so pants-man comes on and asks a very gentle question. i don’t know, it was crazy. within minutes i was telling him everything. i mean i didn’t even care anymore what he knew about me because pretty soon it wouldn’t matter. i can’t even pretend to know by which conversational device he extricated me from the rather tenacious grip i had on the idea of ending my own life. my stepdad showed up about an hour later to get alex and i went inside, at that point unsure of myself.

now before anyone gets their undies into a snit let me explain something about the suicidal. it’s not so much that the whole of life is so awful and boo hoo. god no. i *love* life, do you understand me? my family drives me crazy but i love them. i fucking LOVE alex. i would jump onto a pile of deadly scorpions to keep her from falling into it. i have a company i am building and a writing career i am trying to nurture. i want to get married and see the taj mahal and all kinds of shit. oh no, i love life.

i was under some really specific stress and due to an unfortunate chain of events, i just had a total meltdown. i cried for days and then just snapped. i knew the way out and i wasn’t gonna “show anyone” or anything. i just had to make it stop. pants-man sort of relieved the pressure. he provided me with a steam escape valve. he didn’t seem shocked or dismayed or anything. not to say he acted as if he didn’t care, he was just very delicate. it was very interesting. like verbal fencing. he didn’t try to dissuade me or tell me to snap out of it. and hell, it was easy to tell him anyway because he’s the person i’ve known the least amount of time and he was a receptive listener.

i don’t know. whatever he did, i reconsidered, clearly, as i am still here. i’m grateful. i’m so grateful i wouldn’t even know how to express it. today alex apologized to me for something and as she did i was just looking into her amber eyes and thinking “wow she is so beautiful and i almost missed this.” thank you, pants-man. you were right on time.

there are good things happening. that was another thing. the very next day (i felt amazingly better and refreshed, like a new frickin person, seriously) about 12 good things took place.

a) i’m officially taking over cupsrunnethover which is a breast and bra-related information site. right now it’s pretty quiet but there’s going to be a redesign and i’ve come up with an idea. i’m thinking, online museum of undergarments. the whole shebang. it would be a HUGE community project but i think it would both get oldbies at the site back into it, and get new visitors interested and contributing. i got the idea from the online museum of menstruation which has a similar thing going on. check that out, by the way, it’s a really great site.

b) i will soon be purchasing my company’s name domain. i will then get a site up which will host my (for now vaguely top-sekrit) project. this will be awesome. thank you barcamp. (by the way, i do promise to blog about barcamp!) i learned so much and now i feel like i can take on the world with the powers of Web 2.0.

c) i found a mighty-fine web developer who is going to voom up the cupsrunnethover site and my company’s site for me. link forthcoming.  remind me.

good stuff.  i’m glad i chose not to go ahead with my plans.  i was there.  i hadn’t felt so ready in a lot of years.  thank you to everyone, for being there for me.  and thank you pants-man for throwing the towel back out at me.

Protected: living dead girl 8 September, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in blather and claptrap.
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mary mary, quite contrary 6 September, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in blather and claptrap.
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when peace like a river attendeth my way

when sorrows like sea billows roll

whatever my lot, you have taught me to say

it is well, it is well with my soul.

i heard that song was written by a man who had lost his wife and children to some kind of tragedy.   his faith was so strong, he was able to say “it is well with my soul.”  wow.

i wish i had the words to describe how my soul feels right now.  of all the words i have been blessed to know, the gift i have for stringing them together in pretty strands of verbal pearls…for now none are adequate.  i have said many times in my life that i believe the human vocal system is inadequate to express our deepest feelings.  they only find a voice in tears and moans.  good or bad, we fail to express the depths of our ness.  there isn’t anything i could say right now to paint the portrait of me inside at this moment.

what i have, what i don’t have.  the things i want and can’t say, or don’t want and can’t say.  no time is ever the right time to be human.  no time is ever appropriate to bask in the garden of the world.  i wish my life were a desert.  nothing grows in the desert save things that will not die.  there are so very few.

the garden, one must tend and worry.  cluck and concern and try not to overwater or cut back too much.  and then for all of that there is the winter which snatches away the roses and the vines.  was verdant, now wilted and withered and naked and very possibly dead.  now i feel i am my home.  i’m in my valley and while i get every bad thing coming over the sides of the mountains, i am protected from the curious and the adventure-seekers.  mountains, walls, who can say?

i have a little flower.  i love my hardy scrub brushes and my thorny cacti but even more, i love my little flower.  without her my desert would be so bereft.  she’s only a tiny little sprout but her, i can nurture.  her i can water and love and not cut back too much.  i want her to grow wild and free and beautiful and unencumbered.  my desert is her fertile ground.  she hasn’t been burned and cut down and had her roots torn up.  she will grow and maybe when i am old, i can tend sometimes to her garden if she will still want me to.  my mom always turns to me to help her save her houseplants.  how ironic.  i can save hers and not mine.  beware the gardener that can only care for someone else’s garden.  maybe they are afraid of their own weeds or their desolation or maybe they don’t even have a garden.

i have a pocket full of seeds that i can’t bring myself to sow.  god knows winter is coming, eh.