open letter to UPS

dear UPS,

i have always thought you were cool, since you came around. i never made fun of your boring, shit-brown uniforms and trucks. i thought you guys were neat for helping your employees pay for college. well now you have gone too far, UPS.

how dare you delay my cookies!

that is the single joy i have had this week. my cookies. ever since last thursday i have been having such an incredibly shitty week that i looked forward to the cookies to make me feel better. i CLUNG to the knowledge that after work today my sister was going to go to the store and get some milk so we could eat delicious Deerfield Bakery cookies after we sent my niece to bed. YOU MONSTERS!

oh so now they’re delayed. i see, and that would be fine if they weren’t made preservative-free with real butter and SITTING IN THE HEAT IN KENTUCKY. i called your 800 number and after several minutes of negotiating with an automated system i hung up and attempted to reach someone at another number. clever how i can’t talk to a human being until i spend like half an hour making sweet love to your robot voice.  you have to know i was livid. still am, but at the time i was apoplectic with anger. BASTARDS.

and when i finally DID get in touch with the UPS operator (by calling the customer service number again and screeching into the phone that I WANT AN AGENT NOW) she was like “sorry about your cookies.” have you ever been so wrecked that you cried on the phone to someone who works for the company that delayed your cookies? hmm? well i have, just a few short minutes ago and i am so angry because all i wanted was my cookies. i could hardly even speak i was so upset, and the UPS lady, what did she do?  she acted like it was NO BIG DEAL!  “they’re just cookies, right?”  NO BITCH THEY ARE NOT JUST COOKIES.  they’re cookies sent by my dear friends who knew i was having a rough time and went TO THE BAKERY to get those cookies ESPECIALLY FOR ME.  c’mon UPS lady?  haven’t you ever had the cramps before?  DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN.  i wasn’t even yelling at you.  just sobbing because all i wanted was my fucking cookies.  they wouldn’t have made the world all right or kept me from slipping deeper into my insanity but they would have been a bright spot, and perhaps enough even to redeem this week. pff, screw it now.

you have no idea, UPS, how i am feeling right now. the contents of this vitriolic open letter do not even begin to cover the seething rage i am experiencing right now at knowing that *yet another thing in my life has gone wrong this week* and now there is nothing awesome happening today. you hookers had better hope that those cookies were accidentally kept in cold storage while they were making their way all over the country because if i open a package of rotten cookies, UPS so help me god i am going to be one angry bitch. *angrier* bitch.

i am going to call every single number i can find for UPS until someone from that company buys me some more cookies and i am *so* not kidding. you better hope these cookies arrive here still edible. i am serious, because damn, the cramps are talking and all they’re talking is trash.

MONSTERS!

love,

CoCo