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What do I do now? 28 October, 2009

Posted by silentpyjamas in blather and claptrap.
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I spent the day watching Lord of the Rings with my sister and niece. We’ve already seen The Fellowship of the Ring so we decided to watch the second one today. Then we had to watch the third because it was too actiony not to. It got our minds off things.

I still don’t know what I am supposed to think. It seems simple enough: these men deserve my anger for reneging on their agreements with the State of Nevada and trying to change things. I had reached a point of forgiveness. I had put the death penalty out of my mind. Most of all I had finally let my brother become lost in the perspective of time, growing smaller in my sight but not in my heart. I finally could accept what happened and move on because I had been pierced through the heart with the evidence of it and seen justice being done. Only now it wants to become undone and I don’t know if I can go backward that way. Am I to renege also, to take back my forgiveness? I don’t think I can feel mercy for a man sitting at the defendant’s table while I look again at grisly death photos and listen to testimony about how he and his friend died. I really don’t want to reach a point of anger like I did before, either. I’ve been through that and I don’t want to again.

A friend told me I shouldn’t go to the hearing or to any new trials if they happen. I can’t not go. I have to be there. I have to.

So this leaves me wondering if I am supposed to level up. Do I need +50 Maturity? +100 Strength? With my Cha stat help me with this at all? I hope there’s something because I feel low on mana. Real low.

I wish I knew the answers to this stuff. Without some distraction my mind has come back to this and there it will dwell unless otherwise occupied. It will only get worse as Monday approaches. My appetite has already gone and I feel restless and angry. In the back of my mind I have fear and doubt. The evidence was enough to convict them. Ciolino allocuted and thus had no trial. But now they are claiming wrongdoing on the part of the State. Could this be even a little bit true? What will this mean? And if it means one or both of them can walk free will I feel cheated and angry like many do? I certainly don’t blame them. Or has it been long enough that I can just go on and say “They spent one-third of their lives in prison and that is enough.”?


Waking up to a nightmare world: Return to the Building of Tragedy 27 October, 2009

Posted by silentpyjamas in blather and claptrap.
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I propose a detour. If you’d like to know what I’m talking about in this post I recommend reading these old blog posts from my old emo blog. These are a chronicle of our days in court and some newspaper articles linked which covered the story. I was going to try to hide all the other posts because it’s the lamest blog ever but I just don’t feel like it. And I shouldn’t be ashamed to say I was emo and dorky and a whole lot of other things a few years ago, including a drama queen, a diva, and a bunch of other not-that-awesome stuff. I’m still kind of a diva but I try not to be so dramatic about it these days.

“Building of tragedy” is the name given to the Clark County Courthouse in downtown Las Vegas, NV by Glenn Puit who covered the court proceedings of the two men who murdered my brother. Glenn’s gone on to writing crime fiction but the phrase still stands.

And so it will be again, at least for my family and me when we darken its doorstep once again on 2 Nov. Next Monday. It seems one Ralph E. Goodman III and Stephen F. Ciolino have decided they do not care for their life sentences without parole and would like, more than anything in the world, to have their convictions overturned. Woke up and it was grey outside and it’s, like my sister said, as if the weather knew we were going to get bad news today.

I’m not as emo about it as I used to be, which makes it a little harder somehow because the pain is targeted now. I don’t have the whine and the wibble and the flailing around like I did before, now I just have whatever it is grown-ups have when they’re dealing with this kind of shit.

I’m not looking for sympathy, pity, or any other such thing. If I’m looking for anything, it’s understanding of how this can happen. I know our system allows for just this sort of thing but Ciolino pled guilty and allocuted, now he’s claiming tampering and wants a trial. He pled, of his own free will. How in the world can evidence tampering be an issue now? How could they have waited for so long to bring these complaints up? These questions are flying around me like gnats and I can’t find any answers. I suppose I will learn the answer on 2 Nov at our sick little reunion. Us and them, all in the court at the same time.