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JERKS PART 1 inflammatory open letter to my friends who keep asking: why do girls like jerks? 13 December, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in inflammatory!, open letters.
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hi there kids, i’m going to enlighten you on this highly confusing (for apparently everyone) topic. first i’d like to say i did not in fact close down my company. i got yelled at by my mom and who wants that? for crying out loud..

anyways back to jerks. i don’t claim this is the definitive answer but i daresay it’s a pretty fucken good one, and it explains a lot of the girls i know who prefer jerks (sometimes including myself). also, never having been gay or a lesbian, i don’t know if these things work for people of the homosexual persuasion. i’m not dissing you, but i imagine there could be similar kinds of situations.

once upon a time there was a girl named Polly. Polly was a nice girl, she wasn’t perfect but she was nice. all Polly wanted was to meet a nice boy who liked some of the things she liked, and settle down with him. just like she’d dreamed of all her life.

one day Polly met a nice boy named Jake. Jake was soooo cool. he was funny and they talked a lot and went on a lot of dates. one day Jake did some fucked up shit but Polly was forgiving, she knew people made mistakes. she’d hoped he woud learn from this wrng thing and do better next time. but Jake kept fucking up again and again, until finally Polly realized the truth. Jake was a jerk. a jerk disguised as a nice guy.

Polly was left reeling from her experiences with Jake and met a new guy named Mark. Mark was an asshole. he never even pretended for a moment to be anything he wasn’t. he called her out of her name, and came home smelling of perfume and strange pussy. he spent all her money and yelled at her in front of her friends. “girl” her friends would say, “Mark is a jerk! you need to kick his ass to the curb! you’ll meet a nice guy,” they all said. Polly finally grew tired of Mark’s antics and she broke up with him.

later, Polly met a guy named Richard. Richard was so gentle and caring. he didn’t have all the same qualities as Jake, and thankfully none of Mark’s. well, maybe just his ribald sense of humor. Polly was happy. she settled into her new life with the man who wanted to help her erase all the pain she had been through. they got hobbies together and went on trips and everything was great. except that Richard had this habit of getting irritated very quickly. he managed to cover it up rather well, so much so that Polly had no idea for the first few months. eventually, though, his short temper flared out of control and frightened Polly. but when he wasn’t being like that, he was so wonderful and sweet and kind. so loving. Polly was torn. but over time she came to realize that Richard was just another jerk in disguise, and she dumped him.

her greek chorus of friends cheered her on “you go girl! you’ll find mr right!” and she felt she would. Mark heard she was single again and came around. he hadn’t changed a bit. “i’m better than that now,” thought poor, plucky Polly.

then came Cal. oh Cal, he was so great. he wasn’t perfect either, but he was quick to make up for what he lacked. he was unfailingly patient and kind. he spoke well of her and never ill. when he was angry he worked it out without turning it into something personal. Polly felt herself falling for Cal. she really did. and as time went on, she noticed that nothing was going wrong. nothing. Cal wasn’t sleeping with her friends or making fun of her cooking. hell, Cal was even willing to hold off on sleeping together for as long as she wanted, because she was gun-shy. oh, Cal, you poor bastard.

Polly broke up with Cal. she couldn’t handle it. every day that went by brought her more tension. “will today be the day?” she asked herself every day. “is today the day that he’s going to become a complete ass? what the hell have i been doing with my time?” Polly had a little while to think one day and added up the amount of time she’d spent being kicked in the face by incognito jerks. she realized that she *was* better than that and that if she’s going to get kicked in the face by a jerk, it’s going to be an honest jerk. so she broke up with Cal, much to his sadness and confusion. her stress and worry about the “ending” immediately stopped and she felt relieved.

Polly went to find Mark. she found him and by now, she knew. Mark was a complete, utter, and nearly irredeemable asshole. but she knew that. nothing Mark would ever do, could ever surprise her. she expected him to bring her home VD, he hadn’t done it yet but she figured he would, eventually. she expected Mark to stay out all night and tell her that it was none of her fucking business where he was last night and stop asking before he just doesn’t fucking come back one night. but Polly smiled inwardly to herself. he would always come back. nobody else would have Mark the way he was. too much of a complete dick. but she would. she would have him and she would never be disappointed or truly hurt because she knew and embraced his jerkitude. Polly had learned a valuable lesson. you never know if you can trust someone until they prove you cannot. if you’e going to be with someone you cannot trust, you may as well be aware of it from the very beginning. Polly was happy, as it were, and nothing her friends could say would change her mind. she had found the perfect jerk for her.

the end

i hope that all of you aching nice guys out there can feel the point of this story.  i’ve thought about this a lot and asked around quite a bit and from what i have gathered, this is really the cause of the girl-jerk continuum.  don’t blame the girls, and call them all sorts of bitches and hoes.  that’s how they can tell you’re a jerk in disguise, motherfucker.  try to feel it, and if you can’t, then remember the last time you complained about only meeting bitches.

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Comments»

1. Goonigoogoo - 13 December, 2006

There wouldn’t be as depressing a moral to this story if it weren’t already true

2. silentpyjamas - 13 December, 2006

for the record, ladies.
i’ve known goon here a good long time and i don’t think he’s a jerk.
furthermore he writes a totally awesome comic and draw my masthead.

3. junkie monkey - 12 August, 2007

lmao oh man ya the nice guy always gets left, but i still get pussy!!! lol.


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