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open letter to my brother: if the sky that we look upon 3 December, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in open letters.
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hey remember when we were kids, how we were addicted to that movie “stand by me”?

remember how we loved it when the ben e king video came on. it was like our anthem and our pact. it was okay we could make it through all of the horribleness as long as we stood by one another. now i am standing alone. not that our sister is somehow inasqeuate. quite the opposite. sometimes i wonder how it would be with all three of us. following through with the plans we made. being close to her makes me miss you.

i always cry when i hear “stand by me” because i think of us in the livingroom, singing it. always swearing to be there. yeah life is a jerk sometimes.

back then when we were kids, i was never one to pay attention to lyrics, but the lyrics of this song always struck me, because they’re so vivid. so i am going to sing them to you in print. i choke on them because if you were standing next to me and i saw a mountain dissolve into the water i wouldn’t cry. you’d be there.

when the night has come
and the land is dark
and the moon is the only
light we’ll see
no i won’t be afraid
no i won’t be afraid
just as long
as you stand by me

and darlin’, darlin’
stand by me
oh, stand by me
stand by me now, stand by me, stand by me

if the sky
that we look upon
should tumble and fall
or the mountain
should crumble
to the sea
i won’t cry
i won’t cry
no i won’t shed a tear
just as long
as you stand by me

and darlin’, darlin’
stand by me
oh stand by me
oh stand, stand by me, stand by me

whenever you’re in trouble you can stand by me
stand by me
stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

i will never regret anything as much as i regret not standing by you. you were in trouble and i knew. i knew and i failed you. and when the trouble finally came to fruition i was thousands of miles away never suspecting. i read this book in which a character says “ghosts don’t haunt places, they haunt people.” he’s right. you’re my ghost. for every smile and tear i carry you with me. i want you back. i would crawl through a thousand miles of broken glass to get to you. i would take my last breath right now if it would give you yours again. i spent hours and days and weeks of my life in courtrooms listening to every word that rang out accusing me of not acting. none of them knew they were indicting me or maybe i was just indicting myself. it’s weird how i didn’t know how much i loved you until the deafening roar of my feelings was echoed back from the grave.

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Comments»

1. whiskeykitten - 5 December, 2006

sweetness, you can never blame yourself. while i am sure it wasn’t his time, it wasn’t your fault. if you could have done something, would it have stopped anything? “what if” is cruel and sharp. don’t go there, my sister, it’s so very difficult to get back once you go down that road. you know i know.


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