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silentpyjamas 2.0: she’s back and she’s had an epiphany 16 September, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in 420 posts, blather and claptrap.
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hello ladies and gentlemen. despite the sentiments expressed in what would have been for all intents and purposes my valedictory, i am still here. furthermore, i love life.

i would like to express my sincere thanks to M, my n-s-e-t, niks, and sr for being there at just the right time. wow i was whanged out. wow i can’t believe how i was feeling.

but i must express the most critical thanks to my friend and timely superhero pants-man. pants-man showed up just in time to save thisnerdly little blog of mine. i had about 3 hours left on the clock. i was done ladies and gents. i couldn’t take it anymore and i had stopped crying. i can’t even tell you what specifically started itbut that was around the fourth day and i was sick with it. i had a bottleof whiskey, a bottle of pain pills, and about an hour to go before someone came to pick up miss malinky. i was ready. i was so ready that even though i knew what i was about to do was fucked up, i didn’t care. i had got *thurr*

so pants-man comes on and asks a very gentle question. i don’t know, it was crazy. within minutes i was telling him everything. i mean i didn’t even care anymore what he knew about me because pretty soon it wouldn’t matter. i can’t even pretend to know by which conversational device he extricated me from the rather tenacious grip i had on the idea of ending my own life. my stepdad showed up about an hour later to get alex and i went inside, at that point unsure of myself.

now before anyone gets their undies into a snit let me explain something about the suicidal. it’s not so much that the whole of life is so awful and boo hoo. god no. i *love* life, do you understand me? my family drives me crazy but i love them. i fucking LOVE alex. i would jump onto a pile of deadly scorpions to keep her from falling into it. i have a company i am building and a writing career i am trying to nurture. i want to get married and see the taj mahal and all kinds of shit. oh no, i love life.

i was under some really specific stress and due to an unfortunate chain of events, i just had a total meltdown. i cried for days and then just snapped. i knew the way out and i wasn’t gonna “show anyone” or anything. i just had to make it stop. pants-man sort of relieved the pressure. he provided me with a steam escape valve. he didn’t seem shocked or dismayed or anything. not to say he acted as if he didn’t care, he was just very delicate. it was very interesting. like verbal fencing. he didn’t try to dissuade me or tell me to snap out of it. and hell, it was easy to tell him anyway because he’s the person i’ve known the least amount of time and he was a receptive listener.

i don’t know. whatever he did, i reconsidered, clearly, as i am still here. i’m grateful. i’m so grateful i wouldn’t even know how to express it. today alex apologized to me for something and as she did i was just looking into her amber eyes and thinking “wow she is so beautiful and i almost missed this.” thank you, pants-man. you were right on time.

there are good things happening. that was another thing. the very next day (i felt amazingly better and refreshed, like a new frickin person, seriously) about 12 good things took place.

a) i’m officially taking over cupsrunnethover which is a breast and bra-related information site. right now it’s pretty quiet but there’s going to be a redesign and i’ve come up with an idea. i’m thinking, online museum of undergarments. the whole shebang. it would be a HUGE community project but i think it would both get oldbies at the site back into it, and get new visitors interested and contributing. i got the idea from the online museum of menstruation which has a similar thing going on. check that out, by the way, it’s a really great site.

b) i will soon be purchasing my company’s name domain. i will then get a site up which will host my (for now vaguely top-sekrit) project. this will be awesome. thank you barcamp. (by the way, i do promise to blog about barcamp!) i learned so much and now i feel like i can take on the world with the powers of Web 2.0.

c) i found a mighty-fine web developer who is going to voom up the cupsrunnethover site and my company’s site for me. link forthcoming.  remind me.

good stuff.  i’m glad i chose not to go ahead with my plans.  i was there.  i hadn’t felt so ready in a lot of years.  thank you to everyone, for being there for me.  and thank you pants-man for throwing the towel back out at me.

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