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the flurry 6 August, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in 420 posts, blather and claptrap.

you may be wondering what this sudden burst of blog activity is. and why i have all of these private posts. i can explain.

the past week or so i have been all topsy-turvy. i’ve been under some amount of stress and not feeling like myself. sometimes, literally not myself. my dad’s birthday was august 4 and in case you read that meandering, vitriolic post i wrote to him, yes, yes that did contribute to it. every time he comes up in conversation it turns into a fight with my mom about forgiving him. it’s so ironic that i forgave the people who murdered my brother but i can’t bring myself to forgive my father. i try to do it but it’s always grudging and mom says grudging forgiveness doesn’t really count.

there’s been stress in my friendships, so many things seem to be going wrong right now and i am grieving over some relationships of mine because they once were so close and now they’re so distant. i love my friends but sometimes i have to be away from them because they’re hurting themselves and the people around them. sometimes some of them can be jerks but i still love them, because friendship, in my circle, is like a job title. you stay someone’s friend when they’re an ass because you love them and love is, of course, an act and not a feeling. because seriously, sometimes don’t you just feel like beating the crap out of your friends?

i’m planning a trip to vancouver, where i will visit a friend who i once tried to comfort during a bad time. while i’m there i’ll go to a geek party and maybe try to relax a little bit.

there was a little barbecue at mom’s tonight. the pastor of her church was there, and of course i was completely wasted. alright, not *that* wasted. not really drunk, alright, drunk. but not stupidly drunk. we had a great time, everyone got tipsy, and there was really good discussion all around.

right now, i’m mostly feeling alright. i’m still on the ride, but it’s slowed down. i feel it might stop soon. life is changing and it is frightening for me.

the private posts: well, i swore i was going to keep this thing as emo-free as possible. i don’t want it to become like my old livejournal. land sakes. i wanted to make my posts, though. i wanted to share this with someone, even if it was just the illusion of sharing. these are all things i started to say and couldn’t finish. maybe i felt i didn’t deserve to finish them, or even feel what i was writing. maybe in the end, i just didn’t want someone to know something that i felt. despite my poem, it’s never the right time, you know?

at the same time, i wanted my blog to be a chronicle of my life. just the history of CoCo beginning whenever it began. i’m not writing it for anyone but myself, and i feel bad about inflicting this on everyone who’s reading, but i don’t feel bad about writing it. these are my very own words, and that’s really all i have in the big scheme of things. since i was a child i’ve written things that are a barometer of my life and times. i can’t do any less now, it’s who i am. if i didn’t have anything but a pencil, some dirty paper, and a cardboard box i’d be writing.

blah blah blah. i’m just babbling, luckily i can do that.

blah blah



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