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chilling out (a ramble) 11 July, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in 420 posts, blather and claptrap.
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i’m alone.  chilling out.  it’s great. no kids, no work, nobody to harangue me.  it’s wonderful.  so quiet.  so peaceful.  soft music and relaxation.  oh yeah.  me and the kitties.

so, i feel kind of like rambling.  i don’t really know what to ramble about, but then again i guess rambling doesn’t really have a point.  hmm.

well, i’m going to travel.  this is decided.  i can’t wait.  sure i hate planes but i need to get a life!  plus, who knows what waits for intrepid adventurers?  the world is my oyster!  i plan to get a bunch of stickers on the red suitcase.  i know, it’s got fabric in the middle and pleather on the sides, but hey, the sides will do.  it’s it’s okay that it’s horribly ugly, cheap, and about 40 years out of fashion.  it’s so awesome.  i got it from a cheezy motel where i lived in hollywood.  i had a duffel bag which i gave to my friend looch, ans the hotel manager gave me this suitcase from the storage.  it had been like everywhere, he said.  it doesn’t have wheels or anything.  but it’s awesome.  i just look at it and think of where it’s been and where it can go.

i get kind of excited at the thought of writing somewhere else.  i just imagine the kinds of words i will have to find to describe in person things i have only seen in photos.  they already look so beautiful, i imagine in person i will be awed.  i’m kinda mooshy so i might even cry.  i always cry when i see sports stadiums.  why?  because i’m a tard, duh.

life’s crazy.  last night my sister randomly im’ed me saying “i think the reason we are afraid to ever throw anything away is because dad used to throw away all our stuff.”  oh indiscriminately.  so now we keep everything.  just in case.  because it’s ours and we’ll throw it away when we damn well feel like it and nobody can take it from us.  very childish, i admit.  we decided to go on a spree this week.  going to call it “getting rid of dad’s crap.”

i remember during one toss-it-all session he threw away a copy of “the phantom tollbooth” that his mother hand bought me, saying “yall have too got-damn many books.”  he’d just pull a dumpster up to the house and go through like a whirwind.  he’d say “hey do you guys want to go outside and play?” and we’d be all “durr yes” and about half an hour later the neighborhood kids would start vanishing.  finally we’d always find out “some guy is throwing away and giving away all of these books and toys.”  the first time, we were mortified.  after that, we would just swallow really hard and stay out until dark.

you know, my dad is really a piece of work.  i have learned, in the past few years, just how fucked up a childhood i really had.  i mean, my dad absolutely gave me my love for science and computers.  he wanted me to be a genius and he did a lot of cool experiments with me.  but in the end he always withdrew.  and he could be so cold.  i never met anyone who could tell their child they wish they had been aborted.  dude, he’s hardcore.

i learned that it’s not normal to assume you have no inherent value.  we learned that value must be earned.  to this day i  worry endlessly that somehow, i’m not good enough.  i push myself to distraction trying to take care of other people because i’m afraid if i stop, i will be worth nothing to them.  it’s like when i used to work in an office.  even when i was having the worst kind of day, full-on olfactory hallucinations, couldn’t sleep because of the jimmy-legs, and the rotten brain-pings, ready to fall apart, i would go to work and pretend i was fine.  because who knew if someone really needed me that day?  what kind of person would i be if i were so selfish as to think only of myself when i had so much to take care of?

i always feel so ashamed to tell people what i want or what i need or something. i don’t want to seem selfish, but now i’ve got other plans.  i’m going to think about CoCo first.  it won’t be easy but i’m determined.  i’ve got all kinds of good reasons to go but the main one is that i deserve it and i am worth it.

da-ta-daaaah

</intermission>

back to the rambling.  finally i will make progress on my company.  i am super-grateful for my designer (codenamed: jemma) who has stuck with me for 2 years in which she’s probably seen me less than 15 times.  she hasn’t bailed out yet, and i love her.

we’re totally going to make it and be successful.  i can feel it.  fa sho.

also, working out.  every day.  i haven’t been able to make it to the gym so i do some exercises when nobody’s looking.  can’t get caught destroying my rep.  though i am not ascairt to go to the gym and work it like a hot tamale!  my stepdad is getting a bike tuned up for me so i can ride it to the gym when my workout pal KLA isn’t around for us to go together.  besides, maybe the bike will help me get those incredible thighs.  mmmhmm.  7 days.  oh the ache.

it’s going to be awesome.  i’m pretty sure of that.  i have a sort of twisted relatioonship with pain.  sure it hurts but it reminds me i’m alive, and if i throw myself into it, i can feel past it.  i am looking forward to the upcoming pain.  it will remind me always that i am alive and that if i’m hurting, it must be because i’m striving.  and becoming better.

kitties everywhere.  just needing love.  oooh kitty kitties! i wish i had a bunny again!  i love kitties but bunnies, dutch bunnies, oh they’re so precious!  SO PRECIOUS.

the end.

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Comments»

1. Nichole - 13 July, 2006

You know where you need to travel to? Boston. Some see me and the Rob. I miss my Coco. I miss her a lot. 😦

2. whiskeykitten - 17 July, 2006

Cocorella – it’s now time for your Inner Brat. I was like you too – always giving giving giving, worrying worrying worrying.
And then, it got too much, i lost my marbles and nobody wanted to help me find them. I realised that NOBODY cares about me, except me. And thus i rediscovered my Inner Brat. She is that foot stamping, hair pulling, shrieking little 5 year old demon that i had to hid away from myself. Instant Grownup – Just Add Trauma! But i’ve found her again! And i listen to her more and more. Saying No, gets easier.


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