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crisis of faith (aka danger, will robinson!) 6 July, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in blather and claptrap.
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yes, i am totally posting about this.  it may be hard to believe i’m a christian.  i’m an erotica-writing stoner who curses, clearly an unlikely candidate for religion.  but the truth is that i grew up in the church and i’ve left a few times and always found my way back.  at this point in my life i have becme convnced that christianity is a faith for the human.  no, the “church” isn’t perfect but that’s because it’s made of imperfect people and really, it’s not about perfection anyways.  it just means i know jesus.

so anyways today, i have stumbled upon a little issue.  i’ve been celibate for however long it’s been since i banged a (specific) jerk: 3 or 4 years, and aside from a few drunken kisses (somehow always at my friend ang’s house but with boys, ya pervs) i’ve done nothing.  i have nothing against people who have casual sex.  it just never really did anything for me.  it always feels so empty, “organ grinding.”  but then i thought about it.  is it because i expect it to feel like something?  what do i expect it to feel like, and why do i expect that?  when i was a kid my mom always told me that when you have sex you’re giving something of yourself away, and that you may find yourself feeling empty inside if you’re not getting anything back.

so today i asked (the now Reverend) mom what’s so wrong with fornication.  she explained to me what’s not that awesome about fornication and then i was like “wait a second.  all these years i have been thinking that it is somehow *less* to have sex with someone you don’t love.”  no, i didn’t say that to mom.  not i have been thinking, and what i am thinking is that i am renouncing my celibacy.  why?  why not?  i took stock of my situation, i’m 31 and single, haven’t had sex in at least 3 years, and i’ve spent several years now crossing perfectly decent boys off my list because they weren’t people i wanted to have a relationship with or could have one with.  my friend N (she’s like me, but younger and living in a better neighborhood) said i’m an extroverted prude.  she was like “so what if you don’t like them.  you’re not trying to marry them, just have sex with them.”  it hit me today she is so right! 

so why do i feel so guilty?  i feel like in a sense i’m giving up on my ideals and my belief that sex isn’t all that.  but on the other hand i’m lonely.  there are guys i know that i could be hanging out with and getting some from, that i don’t hang out with because i know all they really want is sex.  but what if that’s all i wanted too eh? 

so my faith is one of mercy and forgiveness, but it’s left the stain of guilt on me for being human.  i guess, i know i can be forgiven, but why do i need forgiveness at all?  didn’t god make me a human?

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