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emo-whaaa? (we tall did. sofa king we tall did) 2 July, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in blather and claptrap, chronicle of the crazy.

i try not to post emo stuff in here.  i have a livejournal (haven’t used it in about a year) that is for emo crap.  well, i never use it anymore.  why?  i’m trying to give up the emo, you see.

anyways, today is kind of an emo day for me. first i woke up and spent a little while worrying that i was dead.  once it was confirmed that i’m alive, i spent a while asking myself why i hadn’t made different choices in life.  “CoCo, just why didn’t you ever go to Greece when that guy invited you?”  “CoCo, why didn’t you do that cd with those guys who wanted you to sing with them?”  “CoCo, why didn’t you stay at <insert job here> because it wasn’t so bad?”  “CoCo, why aren’t you on your medication?”

it’s the last questions, of course, that gets me every time.  why *aren’t* i on medication?  why aren’t i indeed? (amn’t?)

i’ll tell you why.  medication is my arch-nemesis.  my values are all wrong.  i value my cognitive freedom over this “reality” everyone always seems so ho-hum about.  i mean, if you people can’t get excited about it, don’t ask me to even care.  i am tired of people telling me that i need to be n meds and live in the “real world.”  how the hell are they supposed to know what the real world is?  it’s what their brain told them.  and my real world is what my brain is telling me.  anyone’s brain could be lying to them.  maybe the world really is as one “dimensional” as people imagine it.  earth and sky, woopee.

for me the world is way more than that.  depending what time of the day it is, what the sky is like, what it smells like outside, the world can transform itself into something familiar or frightening.  it’s the water tower place or the pink apartment or the place in the city where i work with antiquities.  sometimes it’s the place where i get on the train from the university library.  but they’re all home to me one way or another.  they’re all where i live and i’m me in all of them.  sure, i’m me with different memories and me with different clothes (note: in *this* world coco does NOT wear high-heeled shoes) but i’m me.  it’s not quite the same, i think, as a doppelganger, because it’s not a copy.  it’s like…it’s like i exist in many places at once but am only able to be aware in one place at a time.

right anyways, back to my emo.

i’m all emo.  i feel like i have made some terrible decisions and i’m all worried now about getting old (c’mon, i’m 31.  i’m allowed) and having wasted away my youth.  it’s true, i had fun, but i didn’t accomplish anything.  now, i suppose, if i want to accomplish, if i want to achieve and rise to the top of whatever, i need to pop my pills and allow myself to be confined to this confining little world.   thankfully my boss isn’t all about the medicines, but there is always that element lurking around waiting for me.  “just think how much better you could be.  no more weird smells, no more sleepless nights or crazy nightmares.  no more wondering whatever mister eddie chen wants or what the water tower is for.  no more thinking you’re dead or wondering if you’ll ever feel alive.  no more curling into a ball wishing the world would just stop for a moment so you could gather your thoughts.”  yeah, no more of that, but at the same time, no more ebb and flow of my ideas.  no more crazy stories, because as everyone knows, creativity is disorganized thinking and there’s no antipsychotic that wants to let you have disorganized thoughts.

why oh WHY am i blathering on senselessly?  i don’t know.  i wanted to say something.  i feel something but i guess it’s one of those things that can’t be said.  it’s the simple truth of being sofa king we tall did.



1. stfu n00b! - 22 February, 2008

stfu n00b! you need to kill yourself and be done with it you n00b! no one want’s to hear your silly little laments about how “blah blah blah” whatever. just shut up and die so i can piss on your grave and eat your children allready damnit!

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