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love letter to my sister and my niece 10 June, 2006

Posted by silentpyjamas in 420 posts, blather and claptrap.

so i'm at mad sam's and they're gone to a wedding. we're chilling out, my malinky and i, in hazy's living room on the big comfy couch. i just endured several episodes of child-cartoons. oh alright i enjoyed them. oh i never sing louder than i do with alex. i want her to grow up and shine in the sun. she's just amazing. for all the agita she causes me, she gives my life a luster that i treasure. there is no drop of life i want to taste without her. i want to take her by the hand and stamp through the sand as we conquer the egyptian pyramids. explore the terraced pyramids of south america and laugh giddily, trudging up all those scary steps at teotihuacan because only my malinky could induce me to such dizzying heights of recklessness. or adventure. those word are one in her vocabulary. i never made stupid noises in public before i met alex. now i ululate senselessly (and loudly) wherever i am if it will please her. her laughter is bubbly and infectious and boundless. once, an old boyfriend and i coined the phrase "silvery giggle" which can be found to this day at pseudodictionary. a silvery giggle, we mused, is a laugh that can only be made by a child or by someone in love. you know, that full-bodied tumble of unabashed mirth that's both breathless and incredibly fueled. i can never pass on a chance to hear that noise. oh and to see her smile is just as good. she's got a broken tooth, the bottom half chipped off in a random new-walking fall one night at the eastern avenue target. she was about 9 or 10 months old. she hardly cried. even then she was a little soldier. anyway her smile spreads out and it's so precocious and conspiratorial. she's always got a gleam in her eye. she's got such a repertoire of facial expressions and a good half of them are smiles. i know that joy of having such a wonderful station in life as parent. when asked who her parents are, alex will reply "mommy and coco." if asked about her dad she'll refer you to mad sam, acting dad. i promised my sister before alex was born that i would be here for her and be the other parent. i had some second thoughts (okay a lot) because my sister and i were getting closer since our brother died, but not *that* close. i worried we wouldn't be able to live together and oh gosh where would my social life go? what if i hated my sister and her baby. good heavens. but i had enjoyed the time i spent with my sister after our brother died. we felt like friends and i found all of these delightful little sparkles in her personality. she was still my irritating little sister in some ways, but in a lot of other ways she intimidated me. it was like getting married. we shopped for apartments and all our friends told us we'd never make it. we argued a lot. then we moved in. well, we tried to. the first place was full of roaches. we sprayed and bombed and never got a single thing moved in. wait, maybe a lamp. we took pictures and sat over there sometimes during our forays into the bush (yes it was just like that. we could never sit still. we gave it a week but it was a fun week for what it was worth). in the end we got a great deal on a nice apartment in the same side of town as our parents. 4.3 miles away. mom was pleased. so were we. she gets alex on fridays.

we got some old furniture (vinyl from the 50's!!), some heavy furniture (500 lb hutch!!) and some pretty sweet barware (plus a totally righteous 3-level hors d'ouevres or however you spell it tray) and ate jack in the box for about 3 weeks straight while we pretended that we really wanted to move our stuff out of mom's garage and up the stairs to our house in the middle of a las vegas summer. we got moved in and got cable tv and high-speed internet in anticipation of our horrible fights. we had only 1 tv but it had digital cable. i like bad movies, hate videos. she loves videos, thinks bad movies are abominations unto the lord. for two and a half years we have never fought over the tv. there's been a lot of wheedling and whining. wheeling, dealing, and cash money/stinky diaper tradeoff/letting-alex-sleep-in-your-bed-tonight negotiation. we have learned the art of playing boggle without any rules and of watching television with the captions on so that alex can make as much noise as she wantes. besides, we rarely look at the tv. we converse. nope, we don't just talk. we have really great conversations. we laugh a lot. i mean all of the time. we call each other to tell crazy stories "omigosh mom/g/tinky/coco, alex is SO crazy!" we've settled in now. we are so mellow that we're freaked out by people who get angry over things like who did what cleaning this week and who paid more money for that and who spent more time with the kid this week. i tell you right now when i showed up at my mom's house the day after my brother was murdered, she certainly didn't complain that i left a line of suitcases to the guest room. or that i didn't wash all of the martini glasses i had needed to use at one time. we gained a new perspective. in your last moment of life do you think that your thoughts are "well in all the time we were together she never did the dishes"?

i am erratic today. my thoughts are all over the place and i'm failing at building the machine. what a wonderful method that was to sort out my thoughts and remain somewhat ordered. nowadays when i try to build one, i get that fuzzy itchy feeling in my head. i always inagine there's a scrabbled red halo around my head glowing red with warning. "this ride is broken for now, little kid. go play somewhere else." the feeling always gets more ubiquitous when i feel a little bit of my background confusion unraveling. oh boy, this could get interesting.



1. nadine - 13 May, 2009

niceeee. what a beautiful lettter…

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