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floating down the stream of consciousness 22 December, 2005

Posted by silentpyjamas in 420 posts.


i looked up just now and saw a nearly perfect circle of cloud around the moon, and at the same moment annie lennox sang in my ear “now a floor of air is laid with stars of brightest gold.”  serendipitious to say the least.

once i used that word in an office in the hospital, looking at the posters on the walls and thinking of my mood.  the woman was taken aback because she said she hadn’t heard that word in some years.  o english language, whence has gone thy power?  i probably totally abused the language typing that.  don’t stone me.  i’m stoned enough, thanks.

so i’m looking through the patio doors at this giant pile of gifts under the tree and i’m feeling so guilty because here we are with like loads of presents and lots of people have nothing.  i try to be a generous person.  i’m not some kind of saint or something but i can’t stand the thought of someone suffering if i’m like, living it up.  i always say i want to get rich so i can do those things for people that the government and everyone else always claim they can’t do.  anyways that wasn’t my point.  the point is we have loads of gifts and like, i didn’t buy any of them because i’m broke and my sister got me a gift and i couldn’t afford to buy her a gift.  or gifts for our friends who are going to give us something.  or people who don’t have any gifts at all.  guilt.

but then i think, you know, my parents work very hard.  they have nice things but they aren’t materialistic.  they do things for people and so do my sister and i.  for like 3 years my parents got their groceries delivered and it was like they gave the food to everyone.  heck my sister just got a bunch of free goodies from hostess and sent 90% of them to my mom’s church.  i mean, i dunno.  and my stepdad just takes this enormous amount of glee in getting us *just* the right gifts.  he’s got his finger on the pulse,  baybee.  i mean he really delights in being a dad.  he’s got my sister and me, and of course alex, his much-beloved grandchild and a host of ancillary children and grandhildren.  and he relishes the role of protector and provider and all of that.  i mean, when my sister and i moved into our place they got us a rice cooker because we love rice and a vcr-dvd combo because while my sister is content with cable, i must also have my bad movies in hard copy.

i mean, i guess we are kind of spoiled but if you knew our dad you would probably think my stepdad is a saint.  my stepdad spent a lot of years trying to break us of this mold of feeling worthless and undeserving.  it was like forever before i believed him when he really meant it when he asked me what restaurant i wanted to go to and what i wanted to order.  i’d be all staring at the menu trying to find the cheap thing and he was like “dude i said pick anything off the menu that you want.”

anyways i probably sound retarded.  let’s talk about alex.

oh, my malinky.  that girl is the light of my life.  she’s so on target.  i had a terrible day today and she came and sat down by me this evening.  she said “coco what’s wrong?  you look sick.”  danggone astute 3-year-olds.  she’s good, though, and in more ways than just her almost frightening powers of observation.  she’s buff, for one.  like never had an ounce of baby fat on her.  also, she was never one for rehearsing.  she didn’t really learn to walk, per se.  i saw her couch-surf exactly once.  one day, at 7 months, she stood up.  about 7 days later she was walking.  period.  it may have been 4 days but i’m gonna stick to 7 because that’s the longest it could have been.

same with talking.  her first word was, much to the chagrin of my sister, “coco.”  after that she caught on to everyone.  it helped because we all have 2-syllable names: mama, coco, nana, papa, and alex.  i like to draw stick figures for her.  she loves “sticks.”  so one day i drew a whole series of sticks.  one representing each member of the family.  alex already had her own stick figure icon, so i just made the rest of us.  mine has spiky hair and glasses, my sister’s has her flip hairstyle, my mom’s has curly hair and a dress, and my stepdad has a round bald head.  she remembered them all that same day.  like, i drew them again moments later and she named each one as i drew it.  she was about 26 months then.  she’s a scary kid.

she’s obsessed with symmetry too.  when she makes like lego towers, the blocks have to be like at exact right angles from the ones above and below it.  let me tell you, she’s got those big little kid blocks and there’s not that many on a tower but she can spend grandiose amounts of time adjusting them carefully.  obsessively.  she also knows what time everything is.  little missy grabs her blanket and bear at noon because it’s time for night-night.  aka auntie coco’s 3 hours of sanity.  she’s my little monsterella.

i love to describe her eyes and i will always describe them the same way.  they’re luminous and the coloration of them makes it look like staring into the coronas of twin eclipses.  amazing.  and she’s got this amazing nose.  it’s the only one i have ever seen like it.  it’s a graceful sweep and it is nearly flush with her face at the point directly between her eyes.  it’s the most beautiful nose i have ever seen.  i started checking them out after i noticed how much i love hers.  she’s got a little painted-on mouth that is rose on her skin, which is a lighter shade of caramel than mine.  and this big bushel of coppery curls.  she is a beautiful child and i love her myriad facial expressions.  she’s always been an expressive child and she’s got a closetful of “looks.”  her favorite of late is the hooded-eyed sidelong glance, accompanied  by a ferocious pout with just a hint of an elvis snarl.  she hunches over, sitting or standing, and casts this look of disdain on all of us minions who dare displease her.  that look is usually accompanied by her slinking to her room following a return look of warning.  she needs some red overalls and a yellow and red and white striped (horizontally) t-shirt.  i always imagine her slunching away in this outfit, like some kind of storybook angry girl.

speaking of storybook girls, i’m writing a children’s book called “strangely jackson and the missing spiskits.”  it’s about strangely jackson, who is a little girl who goes on lots of adventures.  she has this commander who always thinks she is full of tales then says “strangely, i think you’re right” because eventually, she always is.  i got spiskits from when alex was littler, she’d ask for spiskits in lieu of asking for biscuits.  i forgive her, though, she couldn’t pronounce it yet.

-bringing the works back into the house-

ahh, the warm house.  ever notice how noises seem louder at night?  i just grabbed a package of ho-ho’s from the giant pile of trash food on the table and i was sure my parents would hear the crinkling in their bedroom.  at home, i turn down my music at night so i won’t bother the neighbors only to discover in the morning that when the sun is up, i can’t even hear it.  insanity.

oh, and in case you wonder why i am worried about my parents, the heating unit at my house has been churning out the cold air for like a week.  the same day that happened, one maintenance guy got fired and the other had a double bypass operation.  and now they have to order the part.  it’s fun though.  we all pile up in our parents’ bed and have lively discussions and we run around with alex.  and watch both versions of the chocolate factory 800 times.  it’s like old times i guess.  it’s pretty cool.  it would be cooler if tony were here but we’re learning to appreciate the cool that we have.

man, i was feeling like some court tv and i flick on the tv and i just knew psychic detectives was going to be on.  i was outside and i said like “i’m gonna go watch some court tv, that is unless stupid detectives is on.”  then i apologized in case i offended someone who could pick up my vibrations.  luckily only 20 more minutes of this swill until the investigators comes on.  cross-dressing serial killers with multiple personalities.  oh my, only in amur-kuhh.  man i need some milk to go with these ho-hos.  vodka?  or no?  hmm…

-cue jeopardy music-

i voted for vodka.  my ukrainian friend’s mom, this tiny little woman, drank me under the table one day at lunch.  i am not a tiny little woman.  everyone there laughed at me because i was like faking the funk.  “c’mon coco!  take another shot.  it will make you a real woman!”  now i realize peer pressure is wrong and that i shouldn’t give in to it.  but what the hell.  the only other thing i remember about that afternoon is that i would up on mom’s couch looking crazy.  oh yeah.  generally i don’t overindulge.  the only time i ever get mega-drunk is every year at mom’s next-door neighbor’s christmas party.  somehow every. single. year for the past three years i have stumbled back over here and gotten into a fight of some kind with the furnishings.  last year i woke up the next day covered in bruises, convinced my parents’ television had committed battery upon me.  i mean i clearly recall somehow ending up on the floor, face up, looking at the dark screen and muttering “i’m gonna fingerprint you ALL up tomorrow, you bastard.”  i’d have done it then if i could have stood.  let me tell you those sony tv’s have a fierce right hook.

well, it’s that special time of the night.  that’s right, the time when i eat my sister’s left over sausage and veggie mix.  like a savage i eschewed washing a regular fork (aka checking the dishwasher) and decided that since i already had the silverware drawer open, i’d just use one of my mom’s hors d’ouvre forks.  savage.  i got the one with the black and yellow handle.  the others are, of course, black with blue, green, and red tips.

there is a commercial for a porn video.  on court tv.  it’s not even cheezily related to any subject matter on the channel.  not a sexy lawyer or julie strain for a judge.  unless you count girls in star-spangled cheap polyester bikinis throwing each other around in a kiddie pool full of mud it’s not, y’know, relevant to the law.  at least the cell-phone horoscope i can pass off as margnally related to psychic detectives. 

CANCER: today you will see a  body in a dark, cold place.  near water and surrounded by trees.  and something related to the letter “m” and the number “9.”  single cancers, this is your month to shine.  cancers in relationships, you’ll encounter some turbulence but just fasten your seatbelt and ride it out.  you will receive money at a fortuitous time.  lucky numbers: 6, 19, 33, 12, 47.

i mean these guys could have at least said “this much boobie in this little fabric should be against the law!

and now, time for the investigators.  it’s been a pleasant time, we simply must do this again.





1. Bob Dragonslayer - 31 December, 2005

“Your honor, I object to all these clothes.”
“Sustained, my breasts yern to be free. Baliff, bring in the kiddy pool filled with mud and the strippers.”
I think it could work.

2. Loyd - 12 January, 2006

I adore stream of consciousness style writing, and this thingie is bitchin’.
I don’t think this is exactly about your writing skills, or that you’re trying to shine as an author, but alas, you do, and if anyone gives a shit about my opinion, then I’d like to remark that you totally got it in you, and keep it up.

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