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bad dream 21 December, 2005

Posted by silentpyjamas in blather and claptrap.

i had a dream last night that scared me until i woke up half screaming and half crying.  i’m going to try to type it up here but i fear that the only really scary thing about it was the atmosphere, as nothing overtly frightening happened.

it started out with me packing.  i was going to a football game in the uk.  of course that means soccer to us americans.  i have a friend in the uk, k.  i wanted to call k and tell him that i was coming.  i spent the majority of the dream trying to find a telephone.  i was taking my niece, alex with me.  everyone knows i am crazy about alex.  i wasn’t taking her so that she could go enjoy the game, i was taking her because i had to keep her safe.

at the airport people were being herded hither and yon.  it was frightening because there were police and soldiers everywhere, grabbing people and diverting them to here and there.  i don’t know what they were doing but i did know emphatically that i did not want myself and alex to be herded along with them.  i still couldn’t get in touch with k, and i made it to some kind of a store or something.  they told me that i had to use the phone on the fourth floor, but i couldn’t drag alex all that way with her little suitcase she was crrying, and my suitcase, and having to make it to the plane.  at this point in the dream i was frantic, not because i wasn’t going to have a place to stay or something, i knew i had a hotel room booked in the uk.  we couldn’t leave the airport.  we could not go out the doors and go home.  we were stuck, hopefully to get on our plane but i’d say there were no guarantees.  there was a lot of frantic telephone booth action and i can’t say what it was precisely, but it was frustrating and i remember having slammed the receover down and cursing in front of alex, then telling her i was sorry for doing that.

the last bit of the dream that i can remember clearly is bumping into my ex fiance david (real name emphatically not david, initials p.s.) leaning against a wall, strangely i remember him smoking a cigarette and not smoking a cigarette at the same time.

i saw him there, with his dyed-black hair (which is actually very blond and very beautiful, i have no idea why he feels the need to dye it black but he did it almost the whole time we were together) and his blue blue eyes and that creamy skin.  his face had filled out and he looked older than i remember him.  last time i saw him was 5 years ago, he was 22.

he had on a grey suit and a white shirt and i stopped in front of him.  i wasn’t especially surprised to see him there, again i don’t know why.  so there he was, looking so grown up and handsome, and i said “david is everything alright?”

this is the part where i started to wake up.

he looked at me, his eyes were so clear and i could see it on his face.  wordlessly he nodded in that way people nod when nothing is alright.  the look on his face scared me *so* badly that i started to wake up.  i started to cry because i knew nothing was alright and never would be again.  something else happened in the dream but it was a blur.  i was choking and gasping and screaming.  i woke in an absolute panic.  i got a good 7, 8 hours last night and had no rest.  i fell asleep in the middle of the day when i was supposed to be cleaning.

i wish i could say what it was that frightened me so.  as i said, it wasn’t overtly scary.  it’s like i woke up in “1984” or something.  i remember, after talking to david, i looked at alex before the scary thing happened and i said to myself “omigod she can’t be living here.  this cannot be the world she is going to live in.”  i think that’s what made me cry.  my mom says i need to try to figure out what this dream means.  to be honest, i almost don’t even want to know.  more than anything, whatever it was in that dream that made me fear for alex, was something atmospheric, like..ambient.  hm.



1. whiskeykitten - 21 December, 2005

I’ve had some monster dreams like that.
Monsters can be a feeling, a person, an atmosphere or a place or a time or a colour.
I had a dream about my ex too. Woke myself crying.
I wasn’t scared though, I was just very sad.

Unravel it slowly, a little at a time.
As much as you can handle.
Weave it into something you can use.

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